U2 frontman leads tributes to 49ers captain

Taciturn pop dwarf Bono has called for a day of global mourning to honour the early retirement of Brockwell 49ers skipper Edward Hamilton. "Until Tuesday afternoon, I felt secure in my faith in cricket, in hope and in mullets," said the minstrel in a hastily-called press conference. "A candle that burned brightly has been extinguished, a trumpet that parped repeatedly been silenced. Under Edward's captaincy, the 49ers moved from being a bunch of no-hopers to probably the second best team on Hampstead Heath. My thoughts go out to Ed's friends and teammates, and to everyone around the world affected by his courageous decision.
Stars from London's soft rock demi-monde, which Hamilton frequently pronounced "the fucking shit" gathered to honour the man and the legend. "I'll never forget that first training session," said a visibly moved David "Whitesnake" Coverdale. Hammy gave me the confidence I never knew I had."
Hamilton, nicknamed "Hammy" after the delicate rosy hue of his buttock cheeks, has left his post to raise his firstborn child. Not all observers have been impressed, however. "If the prick had spent less time boozing it up and indulging in homo-erotic banter and more time multi-tasking, I'm sure he could have taken on both childcare and the captaincy", commented Nicola Horlick.
A truer note was sounded by Phil Collins, who is believed to have embarked on a passionate lisason with the 49ers dashing opener, Ian "Banter" Tonkinson. "I felt it coming in the air last night," reminisced the No Jacket Reuqired heartthrob. "Darkness settled over South London. But I sensed a light, a new hope, a new dawn breaking across the tower blocks, semi-detached houses and mumbling weed merchants of Brixton. If anyone can lead this team into a brave new world, it's my great friend Gordon Cherrington. And let's not forget that Ed will continue to bat for the team - I have a feeling that, liberated for captaincy, he may be able to put together the run of form that could cement his England place." Nick Heath was not available for comment.