49ers profligacy has Calypso dancing

Easy now, match report to calm you all down. Sorry for the delay...

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On a breezy damp day in North London, Brockwell’s finest took on Calypso looking to capitalise on their recent emphatic T20 victory. SPOILER ALERT…the 49ers failed. Comprehensively. But on a wild day, with players unavailable due to poor wedding planning by Tom Rice it was hard not to be impressed with some key contributions during the game, the camp’s burgeoning team spirit and, as always, keen bottom-slapping.

With threatening clouds overhead, 49ers skipper won the toss and opted to take the new ball in swinging conditions, putting admirable faith in our international debutant, Graeme Elliott. Five years since bowling his last delivery, it was a timid first over, conceding 9 what proved to be just the first of 53 extra runs given to Calypso’s total – taking the honour of joint top-scorer with Calypso’s opener Jim Bugg. At the Lido end though, Hammy – mobile phone in pocket due to the imminent birth of the 49ers youngest supporter – took up the mantle in a spell of four overs that probed, teased and occasionally fucked the Calypso top order right up. His reward, the early wicket of Goddard, trapped LBW to a skiddy quicker delivery. Stumpy and Tonkinson squealed from behind the timbers, Hammy turned to give the umpire his best come hither eyes – the same ones Frankie fell for before 9 months carrying wee Mylo – and the rest of the team brought an almost operatic quality to what seems to be fast becoming the 49ers strongest asset; the appeal. There was plenty more where that came from too as Elliott picked up his pace and improved his accuracy to give the openers a stiff working over. It wasn’t just the batsmen being caused problems either as probing line and length (mostly short and down leg side) sent Stumpy sprawling and giving Heath problems on the boundary rope as byes kept the scoreboard ticking over. It was with notable style, though, that first Heath and then Stumpy took to fielding in the deep, diving athletically for lost causes and taking gymnastics to new heights with a succession of rope-burning forward rolls and slides. Elliott ended with 3 maidens from 6 overs but no wickets in his spell. Hamilton took one wicket for 15 in his six overs.

After a probing opening partnership, up stepped Le Tonk and King at first change. After a strong start from Tonk, an increasingly wayward King stepped up to take the all important wicket of Newton, whose square cut and leg glances looked to be taking the wind out of the 49ers sails. But one too many flashes of the bat took the ball on to his stumps and enthusiastic bum-slapping followed. The new batsman arrived at the crease but so did Calypso’s secret weapon, Extras – seemingly blindfolding the much-vaunted swinger King, taking his keys from the bowl and leading him to an empty room while the rest of the team frolicked in the field chasing three overs of no-balls, wides, long hops and beamers around the park. It was a long spell of bowling (1-41 off 3 overs) that nobody was sorry to see the back of – especially when the opportunity to take the ‘15-over’ drinks break. 108-2 said the scoreboard. ‘We can still beat them’ said our leader.

Inspired, Sunday-cricketer Kirk stepped into the breach and grabbed himself two quick wickets with expert left-arm slingers drawing ever more forward defences from calypso opener, Jim and false shots from his partners. The highlight of the spell, however, came from the chief bum-slapper, Terrington (sic). Having wisely taken himself away from the job of aimlessly flailing about behind the stumps, skipper Terrington took a courageous catch at slip, snaffling one high above his head to leave Calypso on the brink of what should have been a cataclysmic collapse – at 156 for 5 and the niners into a scared looking middle order. And who wouldn’t be scared when Martin ‘The Morpeth Express’ Edwards begins limbering up at midwicket and with the prancing Brichto skipping around the outfield just begging to be thrown the ball.

Terrington had other ideas though. After a teasing first over from the Morpeth Express, a mixture of jack-knifing leg-breaks and straight dibbly-dobblers that kept the batsmen guessing, Stumpy surprised everyone by not only bowling but bowling straight. And with devastating effect. Five dot balls and…WICKET! Deceptively slow, Terrington tempted Ebanks into a heave over midwicket and was clean bowled leaving our jubilant, screaming captain with a wicket maiden; the first in 49ers history. While Kirk, Edwards and Bennett completed their tidy overs, the score board just kept ticking slowly over, each boundary a twist of the knife as the innings drew ever closer to 200 and Jim took his round of applause, ending his obdurate innings at 53. All that remained was Adam ‘the Spanish Pony’ Brichto who’s bowling was full of enthusiasm but more reminiscent of dressage than cricket. Calypso finished on 202-7. A gettable score one would think. ‘Around par’ was the verdict from within the camp as they considered matters over sausage rolls and Kronenburg.

At a shade under 6 an over required Kirk and Stumpy strolled nonchalantly to the crease, fresh from lunch and just a smattering of rain. Looking to forge a strong opening partnership, Stumpy took his guard and stoutly defended his wicket, confusing Calypso’s bowlers by standing still and pretending to be a fourth stump. A leg glance and he was off the mark. Kirk Leight, in his first innings for the niners and sporting a rather impressive looking blue helmet, also took his time to feel his way before crashing the first of what would be a number of classic cover drives. But the innings was only four overs old when Calypso drew first blood, taking Stumpy’s wicket with an easy catch. King, keen to make up for a disappointing bowling display ambled to the crease but in what would become a regular feature of a disappointing 49ers batting performance, lasted just one further over, scoring three singles before dinking a timid defensive prod back to the bowler. With only three sets of pads, panic was beginning to set in – would we have enough equipment for the next batsman before the next man was out? Would former captain Hamilton recover from his time in the field - where he controversially sought to stop every ball with his ankle – to make the runs required to chase down Calypso’s total?

It started well, Kirk was playing tidy cricket, picking off runs where he could while Hammy grew in confidence at the other end. Taking no shit from the bowlers, Hamilton drove with abandon, hooked and pulled his way to a swashbucking 14 runs, scored with just three lusty blows. But it wasn’t to last and taking on the bowler a fourth time he was caught deep in the outfield and the game looked to be running away. Internationalist Elliott wasn’t able to match his pre-game bravura, getting carried away after a square cut that zipped to the cover boundary by attempting to knock the lacquer of the ball and missing. Bowled for 5. Heath up next – averaging around 30 before the game but not happy with the conditions one little bit – but still the wickets tumbled, much as Heath had been seen to do in the field. The Great Dane bowed out with a disappointing duck.

But what was this – Bowdney and Leight started to look like they wanted it more. 49ers spirit started coursing through their veins, cajoled by our leader and former skipper who as on-field umpires did their best to keep up the sledging. Staring down the barrel though, both batsmen caught the bullets between their teeth, spitting them out in the form of runs, ones and twos mainly but it sure got us aroused sitting on the boundary ropes. Ending a run of a wicket falling every over, these two were as close to our Gower and Boycott as we could muster, but it was to be a mini-revival only. Leight, deceived by a ball travelling so slowly that a speed gun would have barely registered it, went to up the run rate and was bowled. For a spirited 19. In the context of the game, this was fricking awesome. Sadly the remaining batters couldn’t stay with free-scoring Ruari as a further succession of wickets fell cheaply, including his own, finally bowled for a man-of-the-49ers score of 22. Spirits were momentarily raised by the prancing Brichto, who went out to bat looking like an overweight Hugh Grant in cricket whites and a navy pullover. Comedy aside, he lasted three balls and was quickly caught, wrapping up the 49ers innings in less than 20 overs for a total of 78, a disappointing result after what promised to be a tight game between two mediocre but enthusiastic sides.

We still rock, though. And those fuckers will come back for more, only this time we’ll be ready for them, full team, fewer hangovers and more tightly-honed forward defences. The future still looks bright. We’ve got sledging, appealing and bottom-slapping nailed down. Bowling, batting and fielding are next but we’re getting there dammit and our day will come. Next match, 23rd August. WE WILL WIN.


49ers Batting
Leight (Kirk) 19 (bowled)
Cherrington 6 (caught)
Phil 3 (c&B)
Hamilton 14 (caught)
Elliott 5 (bowled)
Heath 0 (bowled)
Bowdney 22 (bowled)
Tonkinson 2 (lbw)
Edwards 2 (bowled)
Kevin 0 N/O
Brichto 0 (caught)

78 ALL OUT

49ers Bowling
Elliott 6-3-17-0
Hamilton 6-0-15-1
Tonkinson 4-0-28-0
King 4-0-41-1
Bennett 4-1-21-0
Kirk 5-0-19-2
Edwards 3-0-19-0
Cherrington 3-1-14-2
Brichto 1-0-9-0

First footage of Hammy Jnr leaked to RUYC

Right Up Your Crease has obtained exclusive footage of all-rounder "Hammy" Hamilton's young son who is already proving to be a crowd pleaser. The video suggests that the youngster is surprisingly precocious and more importantly has reassured the many people concerned that baby Mylo would inherit his father's legendarily appalling taste in music:



Pithy and potentially homophobic comment from notorious blog lurker Frankie is expected shortly.

Blog purpose in doubt as team disquiet brews

Senior figures within the Brockwell 49ers are currently questioning the very purpose of the team’s weblog as a spat between between baby-faced captain Gordon Cherrington and baby-making ex-captain Ed Hamilton continued to mar the team's preparations.

Maverick batsman Nick Heath was unequivocal in his dismay at recent events. “Originally I thought the blog was a place for all the 49ers to come together and look at pictures of pretty ladies in their pants” Heath raged while rummaging furiously through his trouser pockets, “now it seems just the latest venue for Hammy and Stumpy to vent their hate speech. Bring back the bikini bitches!! Naaarrgghhhh!!!!” he climaxed.

Spin wizard and keen amateur Freudian psychiatrist James Smart was eager to express his own perverted diagnosis of the pair. “In a sport so rife with phallic objects these kind of alpha male competitions are inevitable” he mused in between puffs of an impossibly large cigar. Continuing in what can only be described as a bizarre sub-Allo Allo German accent, Smart observed that “vhile almost every other member of zer team has managed to sublimate zeez desires into zer ritual Hinterteileschlagen or bum slapping, Herr Cherrington und Herr Hamilton’s rivalry has developed into ein dangerous und sexy threat to zer thousand year Reich zat previously vos zer destiny for der Neunundvierzigers.”

In a refreshing change Hamilton and Cherrington were both unavailable for comment.

Fatherhood results in loss of memory for Hammy

Responding to Hammy’s recent posting about me disappearing up my own arse, I would like to draw all subscribers to this blog to some of our early posts where Hammy, writing about the 49ers and their exploits, refers to himself as ‘Hammy’,

Cock

Stumpy disappears up own arse

Gordon Cherrington has mysteriously disappeared - and fellow 49ers believe the best place to start looking is up his own arsehole.

Alarms were raised when the 49ers captain - aka Stumpy - began writing blog posts referring to himself in the third person.

It is unknown just how deep the search will go, but Cherrington's housemate and friend, Ian Tonkinson, has already expressed concern over the organisation of search teams and their chances of finding anything relevant in Stumpy's butthole.

"The whole thing stinks!" Said Tonkinson, 49ers wicket keeper and chief sledger. "I wouldn't be surprised if they find a gerbil or two and the odd jar of marmite but Gordon? No chance. He's in too deep."

The search into Stumpy's battycrease continues.

49ers ‘star’ all rounder touches another teams balls…

49er players and fans have expressed dismay at the news that their captain, Gordon Cherrington, played for another team on Sunday 26th July.

Speaking from 49er HQ, media spokesperson and founding member, Ed ‘Hammy’ Hamilton said:

“It is with a mixture of sadness and pride that I can confirm that Gordon Cherrington did in fact turn out for another team in an actual cricket match. We understand that Gordon was ‘tapped up’ on Friday by the Victoria and Albert Museum team, and asked to play a leading role in their match against Stonar CC. The match took place in Henley between 12pm – 6pm on Sunday and by all accounts Gordon was pretty outstanding”

“We would like to reassure all 49er fans that Gordon is, and always will be, a 49er and that his decision to play for another team was based purely on his desire to improve his own performance for the Brockwell 49ers. I have spoken to Gordon this morning and he has once again re-assured me that he will honour his 49er contract and will be turning out for us next season”

Witnesses who attended the game in Henley are said to have remarked that Cherrington ‘played out of his skin’ was ‘as agile as a cat on speed’ in the field and that despite being a last minute addition to the V&A team, also played ‘majestically’ when asked to take the keepers gloves for 10 overs.

This blog managed to catch up with Cherrington at last night’s exclusive viewing of the West Wing, season 4, episode 3 at his house, where he said:

“Look, I got asked to play by another team because one of their players had seen me a couple of times for the 49ers and thought I was pretty shit hot. It does not in anyway mean that I’m turning my back on the 49ers … the very spirit of that team runs through my veins, stirs through my soul and ripples through my underpants. Those lads mean the world to me and I will never ever leave them … although the tea was pretty special at yesterday’s game …”

The V&A team were unavailable for comment.

I’m currently listening to the Les Miserable soundtrack. I’m really enjoying it and am thinking I may have gone fully gay. In the past two weeks I have been to see Take That at Wembley, cried at a newspaper article, had oatcakes as a 'snack' and am now listening to musical soundtracks on Spotify.

Thankfully I will be able to restore my man power by attending the 49ers nets session at 6:30pm this evening in Lambeth. I’m going to channel all the negative energy I currently have swirling through my veins and hit that ball for at least 3 imaginary runs. See you there 49ers … see you there

Not in my world ...

... who the f*ck allowed a lady to write on this blog of manness!!

Ed - sort it out.

Frankie, I'm really sorry to have mis-spelt Mylo's name and I will make you a cup of tea tonight.

Get it right Gordon.

Its not Jamie-jo like a girl from a beauty pagent that is being fucked by her step dad then gets brutally murdered. Its Jamie Joe like his 2 grandads.
Peace
Can I have a cup of tea?
Frankie.

With a demand for international caps with the Brockwell 49ers at an all time high, I thought I’d give a few stats and figures to keep everyone up to date with the goings on in the world of the 49ers.

So far this season, a total of 18 different players have been given the honour of representing the 3rd best team in the, globally renowned, London tri-team tournament (but the best team in the world renowned, one-off, London 20/20 match against Calypso CC), amassing a massive 43 caps between them.

‘Swiss Tony’ Bowdney, ‘Skip’ Cherrington and the newly crowned, ‘Stumpy’ Tonkinson are our most capped playaz’ with 4 a piece, whilst ‘Hammy’ Hamilton, James ‘the spin doctor’ Smart, Nick ‘JB’ Heath, Tom ‘TNF’ Partridge and Tom ‘so goddam manly’ Husband are all carrying 3 caps each.

Our next game is looking like the 23rd August and will most likely be our farewell game before embarking on our very own Tour De France. The EPO has been ordered, the train tickets are booked and we’ve all learned lots of rude French words. It’s going to be epic.

One final word of congratulations must go to our real captain and new father, Ed Hamilton.

After 9 months and 8 days, ‘Hammy’ and his wife, Frankie ‘can I have a cup of tea please’ Hamilton welcomed little Mylo Jamie-Jo Hamilton into the world. He weighed in at a massive 7lbs and 9ozs and is already nearly as big as our captain. He looks like a total dude and has secured his place in the side … replacing his dad (who he can be seen with in the picture below).


Mylo, on behalf of all the 49ers, this blog would like to welcome you to the world of cricket, chicks, beer, cigarettes and bottom slapping. In years to come, when you’re leading the 49ers you can say that you made your debut on this blog at the age of 107.5 hours. Respec’

Give a man a bat and he will most likely go out for a golden duck. Teach a man to bat and he may still go out for a golden duck but at least I tried to teach you muppets how to play. (Adam Taylor proverb)

The world cries

Following Brockwell 49ers shock defeat on Saturday it seems the world has been wanting to show its sorrow and heartache at us losing to Calypso. People have started crying as an act of compassion, and simply haven't stopped, such was the emotional burden of us not winning.

It seems the phenomenon has started off a craze, with people just spontaneously bursting out crying the world over.

'Its heartfelt and warming to have support like this. It shows we hold a place in these people's hearts, I'm just sorry we let them down' said a 49er spokesman.

Thanks to all the Brockwell 49ers fans out there for showing their support.

Rumoured sponsorship deals with Kleenex Man-sized tissues and Aerosmith have been reported as well as the 49ers apparently thinking of changing their name to the 'Cry babies'. These rumours have however not been confirmed by any officials from the club. A spokesman for the 49ers said that these rumours were 'ridiculous' although the Kleenex partnership would be interesting though as 'we seem to get through a lot of man-sized tissues during the game'.

Alternative travel plans

I know that we've already booked tickets to France, but I've come up with a more suitable way for us to make our entrance on the continent:



Come on guys, when they catch a sight of the 49ers storming the beaches they'll be running their cricket whites up the nearest flagpole before you can say 'collaboration'.

Day 2 - still excited

Well well well, Day 2 looms large - like an overfed Kangaroo bounding towards England's speeding Ute...only one winner in that contest. Broady is at the crease and should be looking for some lusty blows early doors while Jimmy blocks his way to double figures. Incidentally, Jimmy's record of 49 tests without a duck is phenomenal. The 49ers should take note. I'm hoping we'll get through the whole of Saturday's game without one too - consider that the gauntlet being laid down. Roll on 11am.

And so begins the 2009 Ashes series. What an absolute joy it is to know that for the next few weeks we will have the opportunity to nip out and grab a lunchtime pint whilst watching a few overs, leave work at bang on 6pm to get home in time for the Channel 5, 7:15pm highlights show and listen to the joys to TMS on Radio Five Live.

So far today England have steadily gone about their business despite a bit of a nervy opening and the loss of three pretty early wickets. I watched Cook dismissal and to be honest it was a pretty handy catch. Bopara will learn from over exuberant start. His shot reminded me our very own Tom ‘Northern Fist’ Partridge. He too, like Bopara, was relatively in-experienced when he came into the 49ers side. He’d shown much early promise in the nets but his first couple of games showed his lack of maturity in front of the stumps and his shot selection, though bold, was not always correct. Now look at him.

Alongside Nick Heath, TNF proved he’d taken everything on board from his previous two innings and ended up hitting a very nifty 22 during our recent 20/20 win against Calypso.
I believe that Ravi is actually going to be speaking to Tom tonight to get some tips.

Strauss meanwhile was playing like all great captains and managed to get himself out for 30. To be fair, it was a pretty nasty ball by Mitchell Johnson and Strauss didn’t have much time to react but things weren’t starting to look so good for England as they went in for drinks on 90-3

Thankfully for England, it was the turn of KP and Collingwood who struck up a lovely partnership (though Collingwood has just been caught for 64). KP’s being quite subdued, hitting 69 J from 138 and has just been joined by the Priory.

So England currently on 240-4 off 69 J … it never fails to amuse me.

Not a bad day so far all round for England. The Aussie bowling attack ain’t looking that great, Ponting still looks a little bit like an in-bred dwarf who’s been stretched between two small donkeys (he is from Tasmania to be honest … so is Ed’s mum incidentally), and Bret Lee is probably still pissed off.

KP just gone (this really is up-to date) …but it does allow me to say he has gone for 69 J

WILMAAAAAAAA!

Ashes: T minus 20 minutes

Anyone else proper excited about the Ashes?! Two spinners picked to back up Broady, Jimmy and Freddie. Lee out, Clark dropped and England to bat...bring it!!

...king news...breaking news...brea...

Former Marchmont CC and Edinburgh University 'reserve' cricketer, Graeme Elliott commits himself to the 49ers by buying actual cricket spikes. Commenting exclusively to 'Right Up Your Crease', Elliott revealed 'I'm gagging for my debut next Saturday, mixing it with Brockwell's finest cricketers of a generation. Bring it. I'm gonna score a century and take a hatrick. FACT'. Reports from the club confirm this is unlikely but are full of praise for Elliott's commitment to the cause.