49ers banish demons to record first win

It was a new format and a new ground, and as Friday night drew to a close, the 49ers had a new taste in their mouths. Victory. The Calypso CC had edged past them in the sides’ previous meeting, their decent openers and resilient tail outlasting an inexperienced Brockwell team over 35 overs. Put into bat, the 49ers wobbled early, special guest Chris Mounsey-Thear putting a delivery into the hands of a fielder well short of Highgate’s compact boundaries.

But tonight at least, Calypso’s fielding came a distant second to their company. The ball was dropped, and Mounsey-Thear’s aggressive strokeplay made his opponents rue their missed chance. Boundaries came, and kept coming, the fence, small rubbish dump and neighbouring cricket pitch pierced again and again by balls that rushed along the ground and through the air, and frequently required small salvage teams to recover them. Bowlers Bugg and Bill watched in barely concealed admiration, fellow opener Ian “Banter” Tonkinson required no invitation to get in on the action, and the pair put on their fifty partnership with something approaching nonchalance.

It was a blistering opening, and Calypso were delighted to eventually take Tonkinson with a neat catch. But while the poor bastards might have escaped the frying pan, they were no match for Adam Taylor’s fiery innings. It was a little bit like watching the Terminator straggle a puppy, only with a better backlift and smarter whites. The bowlers rotated, the 49ers cheered, Mounsey-Thear retired unbeaten and the 49ers moved to over a hundred for the loss of only one wicket.

There is a cloud around every silver lining, and inspirational captain Gordon Cherrington, whose stern reminders and excellent administrative skills had ensured many of his team turned up on time, could only notch a scatchy eight before being clean-bowled by Lee. Tom Partridge walked out, and north London held its breath. Despite some impressive net form and a vivacious personality, the Northern Fist had only managed two golden ducks in his career. He began nervously, blocking, then swinging and missing, as Taylor continued his assault. Then something clicked, a ball skidded past a despairing fielder, and the Partridge was singing.

His increasingly cavalier innings found its foil in Nick “The Chief” Heath, who replaced a retiring Taylor and began a wonderfully idiosyncratic innings, mixing unexpected defensive plays with clattering drives and – in what was perhaps the shot of the match, a manouevre that was once known as “Doing a Dilshan” but must surely now be described as “Pulling a Heath”, something most of us would never dream of doing. The ball missed his beaming face by inches, wooshed over the wicketkeeper and set a new benchmark in 49ers flair. When the pair retired triumphant on 22 and 15 respectively, Brockwell had reached a hugely impressive 192 for 2, and the world had two more heroes.

The match was far from won, but no one seemed to have told Tom “Plumb” Husbands, who conceded a mere eight runs in his two overs, bamboozling openers Rawlings and Wallace with pace and five ferocious wides. Mike Stainthorpe’s classic medium pace kept the pressure on, and an increasingly frustrated Calypso lost their first wicket before they’d passed twenty, falling to wily Kiwi Dan, another welcome guest preacher in the 49ers temple of cricket, before Mounsey-Thear, returning to his churning leg-breaks, took another. Flack dug in with a patient performance at the crease, but Ellerby and Colin went with barely a whimper, Mounsey-Thear and Kiwi Dan forming a double act that made “shock and awe” look like the technologically assisted product of a misguided and greed-driven foreign policy.

The shadows lengthened and Graham inched his way to 18 with some careful batting, but any hopes Calypso had for mercy fell on the deaf ears of the Brockwell pack and their FWaGs, whose fair faces and impeccable dress sense lit up the evening. Calypso’s umpires had hit the lagers even before Orthodox left-armer James Smart, bearded wild-man Heath and dashing Cherrington teased the middle order. Then Ruari Dowdney, getting real swing in the long twilight, took the dangerous Graham to the cleaners and back with a splendid offside delivery that chat-happy wicketkeeper Tonkinson took with typical ablomb.

Taylor, who had bowled impressively in the 49ers’ opening games but failed to take a wicket, grabbed two in his third game, including a buoyant delivery that Bugg switched stance twice to. Partridge nicked another with his malevolent, unpredictable medium pace but the Calypso tail again proved hardy. A win might have been out of the question, but the boys from Walthamstow still had pride to play for.

Unfortunately for them, so did a returning Smart, who chucked a looping, inspinning bomb in the final over. It was clipped by the batsmen and snaffled by Tonkinson, and Calypso were down to their final two batsmen. Going for a 50/50 single, they failed to predict Dowdney’s pace in the field, the ball came back to Smart and the bails crumbled like a Messerschmitt Bf 109 under a hail of rosy-cheeked British propaganda leaflets. The pint-swigging umpire waited for a beat, raised his finger and everyone fucked off down the clubhouse for a bevy. Pakistan, according to a breathless Jonathan Agnew, were said to be “shitting it”. To France and beyond!

49ers innings

Tonkinson 30 Caught

Thear 50 Rtrd

Taylor 51 Rtrd

Cherrington 8 Bowled

Partridge 22 N/O

Heath 15 N/O

Total 192 for 2

Run rate 9.6 per over

Bugg 1 – 32

Bill 0 – 35

Lee 1 – 41

Pete 0 – 35

Colin 0 – 12

Banks 0 – 8

Flack 0 – 9

Calypso innings

Rawlings 7 bowled

Wallace 9 bowled

Flack 9 caught

Ellerby 0 bowled

Colin 1 bowled

Graham 18 caught

Herman 11 caught

Pete 1 bowled

Bugg 6 caught

Morgan 0 run out

Leon 0 not out

EXTRAS 32

Total 94 all out

Husbands 8-0

Stainthorpe 16-0

Kiwi Dan 13-2

Mounsey-Thear 0-2

Smart 16-1

Heath 9-0

Dowdney 5-1

Cherrington 15-0

Taylor 6-2

Partridge 16-1

Frankie Boyle speaks on the tragedy
So the Michael Jackson roller coaster has stopped. Looks like he got enough. Apparently he died after walking into a pub in Paisley and saying “Do you wanna be starting something?”

We can all learn something from Michael’s life. For example, it looks like oxygen tents are a big waste of money. Why did no one pick up on it when he had shown all the signs of a heart attack? Wheezing noises, jerking of the arms, ashen complexion? I suppose to be fair he has been showing all those symptoms since the mid eighties. Had Jackson’s staff noticed something was wrong earlier he might have been saved, but when they saw him grab his left arm, go stiff and yelp they just thought he was practising his moves for Beat It.

It’s not known what triggered the heart attack, but High School Musical 3 was on cable at the time. In many ways he was a tragic figure. Let’s be honest, he had more personal issues than Batman.Who could have imagined that the monster he transformed into in “Thriller” would look less weird than what he transformed into in real life? It’s got to be a tossup whether he get cremated or recycled. His postmortem will look like the Roswell autopsy.

I was a big Michael Jackson fan when I was 8. I didn't know it at the time, but I was his 'type.' For his London concerts Michael Jackson advertised for children in wheelchairs or with missing legs! What parent would agree to that? Look what happened with kids who could run away! Those tickets sold out in minutes. An interesting attitude we have to paedophilia in this country, “ We don’t want paedophiles round here! Unless they’ve really worked on their choreography…”

He was a legend and his funeral will be amazing. Ironically the funeral will be the first time in years his children haven’t been forced to wear veils.With the amount of money the concert tickets have made I wouldn’t be surprised if they still wheeled him on. It would add an interesting touch to I’ll Be There.

Michael Jackson was apparently refusing to eat ahead of his O2 gigs. He now weighed less than nine stone and the only thing he would eat willingly was nachos. Nachos being the name of a young Mexican boy. It’s said that Jackson had developed a phobia about being fat. Not like him to worry about his looks.

Apparently when the news broke Jackson’s father rushed straight to the hospital, just to check if the medics needed a hand with beating Michael’s chest.Jackson’s family said they were moved to see that the hospital staff were all wearing black. Actually, they were all wearing white as usual, but that family had always had a little trouble admitting the difference. The man may be gone but he has left a musical legacy that will be around for hundreds of years. As will his face.

Theme song

Now we're finally a winning team I think it's time we had a theme song, perhaps somthing like this. Though for that to really work our skipper would probably have to grow a nice Freddie Mercury-style tache. If he's not up for that maybe we can emulate Chris Waddle and Basile Boli - luckily we already have a wirey genius from the North-East (Le Tonk) and a continental hard man (Nick), what do you say guys?

Brockwell 49ers beat Calypso Allstars to set up thrilling series decider...

For all of you international, and internet based followers of the team Afridi hailed as the inspiration for Pakistan's world cup victory, Brockwell 49ers thrashed Calypso by something like 194 - 92 in last Fridays Twenty20 match at the Pavillion.

In his thank you speech on Sunday, Afridi, one of Pakistans star performers dedicated his win to the 49ers and said that 'The Northern Fists' performance (for which he won Man of the Match) was an inspiration and lifted their team to victory.

Match reports to follow from James the Smartbomb Smart, this was merely an interim report for all you impatient followers of Cricket (is there such a thing?). And James please, don't correct my grammar...

For the many hundreds of you out there who read our blog on a regular basis, you'll be aware that we're playing Claypso CC tomorrow evening (Highgate), from 6:30pm in what promises to be an epic 20/20 encounter.
We made this video to scare them:
http://animoto.com/play/0IRwWbnCTyV3Sv85SHNirg

Rain Delays

Location: Edinburgh
Date: 17 June 2009
Time: 1315
...breaking news...it's raining (again)...no cricket being played and covers locked down...currently focussed on staying warm and dreaming of steepling bouncers and inswinging yorkers I'm going to inflict on the French...ooh la la

Brockwell All Rounder Smart Gets Techno Gig

Brockwell 49ers finally decide on mode of transport for France Tour 2009

49ers to play first 20/20 match - Friday 19th July, Highgate.

Team confirmed

Cherrington (c)

Tonkinson (vc)

Taylor

Heath

Smart

Partridge

Husbands

Stainthorpe

Stainthorpes man lover

Mounsey Thear

Taylor's Kiwi mate

Games start 6:30pm

Episode II

A new hope?

With Captain Ed ‘Hammy’ Hamilton no longer able to take the helm of the good ship Bromance, the men of the Brockwell 49ers longed for a new leader to carry them forward into battle … a new warrior who could lead them in their fight against the evil opposition … a true hero who would give them the belief that they could win a game … someone who would lead from the front, take the battle to the opposition and allow their children, in years to come to say ‘this … this was their finest hour’ …

Sadly, they got Stumpy.

And so it was, with a pretty shitty hangover, a twinge of guilt about his behaviour the night before and a glimmer of hope in his heart, that the newly appointed Captain of the 49ers arrived at Hampstead to welcome his band of cricketing brothers. And what a band they are … Adonis like figures …men in their prime … hunter gatherers at their most ferocious … each and everyone a Spartan warrior ready to lay down their life for their team mates.

The captains were called to the middle at 11:59am and immediately the 49ers stamped their authority on the day by winning the toss, choosing to put the opposition in to bat first.

The opening batsmen of John Minshull Invitation XI strode confidently to the middle whilst the 49ers, with a couple of new faces in the side, huddled close and discussed the tactics for the day.

‘Lets beat them’ … ‘try to catch it’… ‘god I feel alive right now’ … ‘everyone knows the LBW rule right?’ … ‘is someone wearing Sex Panther’ … to have been a part of that man huddle, to have heard the words of wisdom and encouragement pouring from each and every member of the team would have surely have sent shivers down the back of even the most seasoned batsmen. The 49ers, as they say on Test Match Special, were sounding like 'the shit'

Opening the bowling for the 49ers was the trusted Monmouth Old Boys pairing of Hamilton and Husbands. Both looked ready for action, a fire burning behind their calm exteriors.

‘Hammy’, freed from the pressure of the captaincy, stormed in from the Lido end, peppering the opposition with his red hot balls. They didn’t know what to do ... didn’t know how to play him ... couldn’t work out if his haircut was part of a paedo dare or if he was seriously growing it to look 'cool'

Dot ball after dot ball was hurled down at their wickets before Hammy, sweaty and exhausted after bowling his over, stepped aside to let his fellow Monmouth man take to the stage.

Husbands, bowling from the toilet end, was unlucky not to nick a couple of early wickets. His sweet, manly arms unleashing a bombardment of yorkers, in-swingers, out-swingers, googly off breaking biffin ticklers … yet he just couldn’t find the breakthrough that was needed and Minshull were starting to nick a few boundaries.

As Hamilton and Husbands worked tirelessly with the ball, our Captain and VC discussed the importance of defending Irkutsk when playing Risk, whilst also thinking about how on earth they were going to break this opening partnership.

The VC, playing outstandingly at wicketkeeper, suggested that perhaps it was time to bring on Adam Taylor from the Toilet End. The Captain, unsure of what was going on, decided this was an excellent idea and so did what the VC said.

With Hamilton continuing to bowl superbly (figures of six overs, one maiden, 21 runs and one wicket), Taylor was brought on to add a bit of pace to the attack and try to take that illusive first wicked.

And then it came … the sweet cry that all cricketers (apart from batsmen), want to hear … HOWZAT!!!

Yes, the 49ers had succeeded. Hamilton’s bowling had forced the error and the first wicked of the day fell. A break through … a notch on the bedpost of our bowlers … a run out. BOOM! Surely it was only a matter of time before the rest came tumbling down?

Our secret weapon for the day, Chris Mounsey Thear, was brought on to the attack and immediately it was clear for all to see that this bloke knew what he was doing. His pace, his length, his line and most importantly, his chat were all outstanding and he quickly stamped his authority on the game by clean bowling one of the openers. The taste of blood was in the air.

Annoyingly no-one seemed to tell the other opener this who, although retiring on 50, came back on later in the day to smack 62. A great effort and one that we begrudgingly accept with grace. Cock.

And so to drinks.

With two wickets down and the score approaching 100 there was a general feeling at base camp that things weren’t all that bad. Sure, they’d got a few runs on the board but how many of those were fluky edges that would normally have been caught? A lot of them reader ... a lot.

The opposition were nothing to the 49ers … just a bunch of lads with bad taste in sunglasses. We could take them and take them we would. Sadly though, not for some time …

Something needed to change. The Captain knew this. He just wasn’t exactly sure what it was.

After speaking to the VC he had a better idea in his mind and decided to call up a regular ‘net’ 49er who was making his full debut. Martin ‘Tino’ Edwards.

Tino, who is just under 8’ tall and from a place called Newcastle, steamed in to bowl his first ball. Watching him at slip, the Captain was reminded of a slow motion montage he once saw of the Incredible Hulk running through wet cement … Tino’s unorthodox, un-coordinated running style confusing everyone, including himself.

But then a thing of a beauty … releasing the ball from his gargantum hands, Tino found the sweet spot and took the stump clean from the ground. First blood to our very own Andre the Giant.

Next up to sample success was James Smart. Sharing a running style to that of Tino and trying out his spin for the first time, the Captain felt that some words of encouragement were needed. Sidling up to James, the skip whispered ‘take a wicket’ into his ear … it’s that kind of motivation that wins wars.

First ball - James ‘ran’ in, flicked his wrist, pitched the ball high and bamboozled the batsmen with the ball of the century. It whipped back in to the batsmen’s leg stump, he swung, connected and put it straight into James’s hands. A beautiful piece of bowling, a wonderful moment for James and a flash of hope for the 49ers.

Sadly that was the only ‘ball of the century’ and James went on to get spanked for 38 in two overs.

With heads dropping in the field, the captain knew that something special was needed. Someone needed to step up to the mark and lead by example. Cue The Northern Fist.

Tom 'TNS' Partridge, another unorthodox but highly effective bowler, proved his worth, taking 2 wickets in his four overs and only getting hit for 19.

‘Impressive’ is not a big enough word to describe his effort, so I will describe if as ‘reallyreallyimpressive’.... and more was to come from Tom, for he was to have the champagne moment of the game.

With the a few wickets still remaining, the Captain felt it was time that aside from shouting words of encouragement, he needed to get in to the trenches with his men and prove to them that he too was willing to go over the top.

Bowling at a medium pace, the Captain was looking pretty good … which isn’t that unusual to be honest … his line and length stuck true to his family motto ‘Lineus and Lengthus’.

Throwing in one of his specialist medium pace rim ticklers, the batsmen ad no answer fo the captains teaser, smacking it high in the air.

‘Tonks ball' shouted our wicketkeeper … ‘Tom’s ball’ was what Tom heard.

The team watched in eager anticipation as both Tom and Ian, eyes firmly fixed on the ball, ran at full pace straight towards one another.

Tom was taken out … Tonk was dry humping him … Tom was shaking ... was he dead … would we stop laughing … did he have the ball???

Damn right he did. Complete and utter commitment shown to the team. Tom … we salute you.

Finishing of the innings by whipping out the leg stump of the tailender, the 49ers Captain,

led his team back to the pavilion to re-group.

Minshull had posted 241.

After a healthy lunch of fags and crisps, the 49ers looked to chase down the rather daunting target.

Out first, as ever, was the Captain and VC. Striding out to the middle, both were feeling in good shape having proven themselves rather handy with the bat in the first match.

A few minutes later, the Captain strode back after spanking the ball around for a massive total of 2. He felt like a bit of a penis. Consoled by The Northern Fist's manly touch, he quickly pulled himself out of his dark hole of despair, and rallied the remaining troops of the 49ers.

Taylor was up next. There were high hopes for young Adam. He was a proven player, retired on 50 in our last game and there was a feeling that with him and Tonkinson in the middle, the 49ers might just be able to chase the 241 posted by the opposition. Sadly, James was umpiring.

Many of you may have seen anger at some point in your life … but this was something else.

Giving Adam out LBW is something that I doubt any of us will ever consider doing. Apparently it was going down leg-side. I don’t know what this means but I’m pretty sure it means that you can’t be out...

Adam was …

for 3 …

he was angry …

‘Way to implode your fucking team’ was one of the more coherent mutterings that was heard as he strode, like a man possessed by Buckfast and Jellys who’d just been told there was no-more deep fried pizza’s left in the whole of Aberdeen, back to his team mates.

Smacking his gloves at the Captain’s crotch, and with the rest of the team trying not to see the funny side, Adam slumped down in his new chair to brood about the shocking decision. Sadly, Chris had just broken his chair a few moments before ... a golden comedy nugget!

As Adam nipped off to the bathroom to smash his fists into the mirror, Hammy bounced out to the middle to join Ian who was clocking up the runs nicely.

Sensing that there was a bit of an issue with our umpires, our Captain decided he had better get out there and make sure that no other shocking umpiring decisions were made.

Hammy and Ian continued to notch up the runs before Hammy … and it was plum before he start bitching about it … was also given out LBW for 12.

Next out to the middle was Chris who showed us all up and played an absolutely blinding innings, eventually finishing the day on 56. His technique was elegant … his shot selection sublime … and his arse slapping made him an instant favourite with many of the boys on the team. He is welcome back anytime and we hope to have him on board again soon.

Whilst Chris was playing magnificently, and allowing the 49ers to keep some sort of a shred of dignity, our other players stepped out to the middle to see if they could drag us closer to Minshull’s total which was creeping ever further from our grasp.

Husbands and Smart played impressively … amassing a huge 10 runs between them, before Tom made his way to the middle hoping to build on his duck from the last game. Tom, a double-duck is nothing to be ashamed of. Next time big guy … next time.

Tino was out for a duck but, so I am told by Tino, it is only the ‘true professionals who can get out to an edge like that’. Joe O’Connor, another new string to our pretty shit bow, managed to hit 1 run (surpassing many of our players), and Phil ‘White Chocolate’ Evans was 0 not out. Raising his average to 0 but living on the glory that he was ‘not out’.

And so it was that the 49ers were beaten by 90 runs. But so what … sure, we got beaten again … sure, Adam went a little bit mental for a few minutes … sure, as a team we’ve had got more ducks than the Serpentine … but we have fun goddamn it ... and we’re going to get a win. By god we are.

John Minshull Invitational XI Innings - Close

Cerillo b Thear 12

Thompson caught b Husbands 62

Court run out Hamilton 14

Smith not out 51

Kaczmarski c & b Smart 1

Ross b Edwards 2

Brazier c Partridge b Cherrington 32

McDonald c & b Partridge 15

Lewis not out 21

Ashield c Thear b Partridge 5

Craig b Cherrington 0

TOTAL 241

Bowler o m r w

Hamilton 6 1 21 1

Husbands 6 0 52 1

Thear 3 1 13 1

Taylor 5 0 50 0

Edwards 5 0 32 1

Smart 2 0 38 1

Partridge 4 0 19 2

Cherrington 4 0 17 2

Brockwell 49ers Innings - Close

Runs

Tonkinson b 29

Cherrington c 2

Taylor LBW 3

Hamilton LBW 12

Thear c 56

Husbands c 3

Partridge c 0

Smart c 7

Edwards c 0

Evans Not Out 0

O'Connor Run Out 1

TOTAL 151

Gayle shows the 9ers how to hit 6s

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/8087548.stm

Giving a little bit back

Players from the Brockwell 49ers gave a little bit back to the community this weekend.

During the Brockwell Park Fun Day (Sunday 7th June), core team members, Phil 'White Chocolate' Evans, Ruari 'I'm in a very dark place at the moment and am basically shitting myself everytime the ball comes towards me' Bowdney and Gordon 'The match report is coming tomorrow...tomorrow never comes' Cherrington, were all on hand to impart their cricketing knowledge on the local youth.

Sadly the only 'youth' that turned up was a 15 year old called Toby who took the piss out of all three 49ers.

Bowling at a mere 90 mph, he struck all three players on the toes with his rather tasty yorker before deciding he'd like a little bat. He then proceeded to race down the wicked each time one of the pathetically shit 49ers decided to bowl at him ... spankiong each and every ball for a certain 6.

To rub salt into the gaping wounds, on leaving the crease he was heard to say 'nice bowling'. It was only his community spirit that stopped the 49ers Captain from impaling the little smart arse on top of the stumps.

Cricket - it's not for birds.

Self defence 49ers style