49ers unveil shirt for 2010 season

Sir Alex Ferguson makes a smart discovery, but 49ers take the biscuit

Here's a question for you, how does Sir Alex Ferguson continue to keep Manchester United at the top of the Premier League year in and year out? "Simple", so the self-confessed Jaffaholic professed late Sunday night to local newspapers.

It seems that Alex Ferguson gets his inspiration from food. "It can be any kind of food. Mostly I see players faces in my cereal, sometimes the players names are spelt out for me in my Alphaspaghetti. It was a pork chop that told me that selling Ronaldo to Real Madrid would be ok and that we didn't need him any more. I don't eat pork any more" Sir Alex Ferguson revealed.

It seems that these visions have been happening for a few years now Sir Alex Ferguson says. "It was my chewing gum that told me to put on Ole Gunnar Solskjaer in the European Cup final, and I'll be blown if it wasn't right" he exclaimed. "I had totally given up hope and spat out my gum in disgust with the teams performance, the way it landed it looked just like the Ole. I put him on and the rest is history."

What's been baffling Sir Alex Ferguson lately however is that his visions have been of a player not on his books. It seems that Sir Alex Ferguson's Jaffa cakes have fed him a bit of a mystery. He explaines "normally I find the best players when I'm least expecting it, and this is no exception. I didn't even know who this guy was!"



In an almost biblical style, it seems that Sir Alex Ferguson had been told who his next superstar would be. "I was eating my usual handful of Jaffa cakes when I noticed something quite sinister and positively queer about the Jaffa I'd just taken a bite from. I saw a face in the chocolate that I didn't recognise" Sir Alex Ferguson claimed, and with his success in fielding his 'food players' he set about finding out who this mystery face was.

After posting photos of the Jaffa cake online and in local news agents Sir Alex Ferguson finally got his answer, but not quite the answer he was hoping for. It turns out that the face on the Jaffa was a cricketer, and not a footballer at all.

It transpires that the face in question is that of James Smart, better known as 'Dave' to his team-mates of the now infamous Brockwell 49ers. James Smart is a middle-to-late order batsman and spin bowler supreme for this team of no-hopers, bums and dreamers. "It seems their only success was organising a trip to France" Sir Alex Ferguson says jovially. Immediately jumping to the 49ers defence, Brockwell 49ers captain Gordon Cherrington (Stumpy to his friends, and ladies) blasted Sir Alex Ferguson's claim and said "He may be a fellow Scot, but he can fuck right off with his shit. We won a T20 match against Calypso CC earlier in the season so he's well off the mark". Ed Hamilton, Gordon's 'very close' team mate and batty partner backed Gordon up with a deep resounding "yeah", followed by "Sir Alex Ferguson can suck my cock!" after which he hugged the whimpering and quite visibly upset Gordon.

Despite James' face appearing in cake it seems that after finding him, Sir Alex Ferguson will not be trying him out at Manchester United. "I can't afford to risk it" he said. He knows, through talking to fellow Brockwell 49ers, that James is not someone who backs down from a challenge, but "this is not chewing and swallowing six fish-sticks to impress your mates, this is the big-time, there's too much to play for". "It breaks my heart because it's the first time I'm not following the advice from my food, but since Ronaldo's departure and us playing like dingleberries it's just not something I can do. I guess the pork chop taught me a valuable lesson" Sir Alex Ferguson says with disappointment written all over his face.

Since dropping the 'dream' and realising that he's only human, Sir Alex Ferguson has tried to sell the Smart Jaffa cake to raise personal funds for a new title, but it seems it will now be worth nothing. Since picking up on the story online, McVities have seized the opportunity and have contacted James Smart and the Brockwell 49ers and have begun negotiations with a view to making a special edition Jaffa cake, 'The Brockwell 49er Jaffa'. For this special edition McVities plan to make boxes of 19, rather than the usual 12, and have the faces of each and every one of the 49ers on them, coupled with stats hidden in the middle. John 'le francais' McBurnie was apparently annoyed as "ye cannae get cunting Jaffas in France!". A special Phil 'white Chocolate' Evans Jaffa is to be made with a white chocolate layer, and as official Brockwell 49er photographer has been tasked with providing the snaps while Nick 'No6' Heath is busy making up stats and facts.



Graeme Elliot, self-assumed spokesman for the 49ers exclaimed his delight at being "immortalised" in food. It's an amazing tale, a true underdog story of no-hopers to riches." "To add to all of this I had an email from Disney this morning about making a film and animating the story based on a leaked viral that the boys have made. They have asked us to tone down the swearing so I told them to fuck off and we're now talking to Adam 'the suicide chat-up artist' Brichto, about getting Brickwall films involved". "In retrospect it would have been worth filming our tour to France last month, because as it happens we've got no fucking ideas for material, nor a script" said Adam. "That's hind sight for you, it's always 20:20" uttered Tom 'the cunt' Young. At this point a minor scuffle broke out while Ian 'le tonk' Tonkinson just stood there watching, grinning and stroking his beard. It was time for this reporter to leave the story right there.

An intriguing tale of Jaffa cakes, football managers, biblical visions, cricketers and animated films, who'd have seen it coming the 49ers way? No one.

I left the last word to Tom 'the northern fist (TNS)' Partridge who summed the whole thing up beautifully... "brrrrrrrp"

Not a Smart move: Protests mount over 49ers desecration

Brockwell spinner James Smart is at the centre of worldwide protests after images of him apparently defiling a sacred 49ers shirt came to light.

Brockwell the Movie

Living with 49ers Episode 1

Location for 49ers' end of season gala confirmed

Soyez réalistes, demandez l’impossible.

Ian Tonkinson keeps a cool head amid the stunning surroundings.

“Ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strain” sang David Bowie and after tasting defeat on the first day of their Tour de France, the Brockwell 49ers were ready to ring in the changes. A bloodless coup had seen former skipper Edward “Hammy” Hamilton restored to the captaincy while the now deposed Gordon Cherrington was ready to reclaim his mantle of Stumpy as 'keeper, the 49ers were ready to show a different face.

Perhaps is was a whiff French republicanism in the air or that famous gallic taste for regicide that prompted it but after a farcical toss the new/old captain almost had another rebellion on his hands as his now near rabid band of sans-culottes heaped opprobrium on him following his surprising decision to put Midi in to bat. Order was, however, soon restored and another 49ers huddle ensured minds were focused on the real enemies of the Brockwell revolution, indeed a particularly motivated John McBurnie, again demonstrating his growing resemblance to Ricky Ponting, strongly reinforced his desire to put his erstwhile Languedoc teammates to the sword.

Freed from the shackles of his usual position as chief sledger and WK, Ian Tonkinson was ready to join Hammy in the attack and proved to be virtually unplayable as he picked up three maidens in his first four overs. Despite the confident start from Hammy, le Tonk and the first change Midi’s opening partnership of Rogers and Allison soon got into their groove and were looking comfortable on 52 after 11 overs. The 49ers desperately needed a wicket and if anyone could sniff one out it was the genial Tonkinson; putting his injury-hit past behind him Tonks stood-up at the vineyard end for his sixth over. His third ball crashed plumb into Allison’s pad and it was game on. Almost as soon as handy all-rounder Bowyer had taken up his position at the crease he was walking back to the pavilion as Stumpy and Adam Brichto took time out from their shameless flirting to share a catch off Tonks’ very next ball; the hat-trick was on. The 49ers crowded around the wicket as Midi’s secret weapon George stared down the barrel of a smoking gun. But it wasn’t to be, the sometime Midi captain made the first of what were to be a series of fine judgements leaving the hat-trick ball well alone.

George was there for the long run, but other wickets were to follow shortly. Rogers, clearly a gentleman cricketer, didn’t wait for the umpire’s call walking without complaint after the slightest nick off McBurnie’s bowling and Tonkinson picked up his third, clean bowling the Midi captain for just five. Graeme Elliott was also to take his first of the day with an absolute jaffa that left Lalljee’s stumps battered and one of the bails in another time zone. But all this time George was settling into a brutish innings, smashing boundary after boundary. A change in style was required so on came the leisurely pace of James Smart. George though had other ideas, cracking a howitzer of a ball straight down the throat of Phil Evans at sweeper. Fears that the impact would do severe damage to the sex life of the man they call White Chocolate were allayed when it emerged that the injury was to his left arm, but a short spell on the sidelines to recover meant Franco-Iberian specialist fielder David came on as substitute between the second and third drinks breaks.

George though remained comfortable, surely it would take something special to remove this batting colossus from the crease. Every Goliath has his David though and a pair of heroes was about to emerge from the Brockwell ranks. It seemed it would be business as usual for the erstwhile Midi captain as he dispatched Tom Partridge’s first ball clean over the boundary for 6, bringing his total up to an even ninety and now bearing down fast on his century. But as the Greeks knew only too well, the fate of those who succumb to hubris is nemesis, and just a few balls later George let fly with another huge heave to deep square leg. Legend had it that following the death of his love Eurydice, Orpheus drew upon his lyre and played music of such sorrow and beauty that it brought tears from the gods themselves, charming even Hades and Persephone on his way to the underworld. But even the strumming of those strings could not have been as sweet as the sound of ‘Punter’ McBurnie plucking the ball clean out of the air with an epic one-handed catch that few could believe. George departed with Midi on 169 to loud applause and the relief of the Brockwell attack, the curse now broken they were free to run rampant through the Midi-dle order.

A smart catch saw McBurnie score his second wicket ending good resistance from Field and Cherrington doubled his haul for the series taking Gratton’s wicket leg before. Bobby Gillespie-a-like Simon, whose batting had been so obdurate the day before, was heard to let out a primal scream as, bamboozled by the pace of Elliott, he played all over a bouncer that eventually dropped onto his stumps. Thrown the ball for his first over, The Chief was in no mood to stay out in the sun any longer then necessary, wrapping up the Midi innings with a trademark ball that pitched at the very base of David’s stumps. Midi were all out after just 35.2 overs, Brockwell’s target, 212, was considered pretty much par.

After the traditional Brockwell lunch of snouts and beer, the 49ers’ opening pair strode out to the middle, both with something to prove. McBurnie’s duck had left the team too much to do the previous day while Hammy needed to demonstrate that his singles hadn’t just been a fluke. Happily both were up to the challenge, settling quickly with sharp boundaries and well run singles, their partnership was looking good until a devilish ball from Rogers clattered Hammy’s stumps. With the burden of captaincy lifted from his shoulders and his fellow Doonhamer at the other end, the stage was set for a heroic innings from Cherrington. Sadly the Midi attack hadn’t read the script and Stumpy was sent packing by Bowyer before he could get off the mark.

Other teams might have panicked at the loss of two wickets in successive overs, but then other teams don’t carry a flick knife. After his explosive innings the day before Tom Young was now going to have to steady the ship before he could think of personal glory. His smart and selfless running under the burning French sun kept a now fired-up McBurnie on strike and the score ticking over nicely.

Some mean overs from Midi meant the run rate needed some pep, but a wild shot from Young off the bowling of Allison saw him caught for 8. A quick look down at the 49ers middle order made comfortable reading though with a rejuvenated Tonkinson coming in at five. Le Tonk was playing with a verve and flair that had been denied him in his normal role as an opener, picking his shots to rack up an elegant 19 before being given out LBW.

At the other end McBurnie was looking imperious. A series of expertly picked boundaries brought up his half century and the crowd went wild. Balls bowled at the stumps were giving him no problems so Midi had to change tack, a deceptive ball from Alex and a good take from the 'keeper with Punter out of his crease saw John stumped and Midi had the wicket they craved.

Midi’s economical bowling meant that Brockwell were running out of time in which to make up the score but now they had the perfect riposte: the heavy hitting of Graeme Elliott. Fours and singles came thick and fast as ex-captain Gordon ordered Elliott to do what he does best and smack it about, Elliott obliged and suddenly his six was on fire. After two dropped catches the luck seemed to be with Graeme but then a mix up in the middle with the Northern Fist saw him run out for 34.

Overs were fast running out for the 49ers as the required run rate crept into double figures, how Brockwell could have done with a few more overs from the magisterial Elliott. With wickets in hand they could however be more cavalier, after a nice boundary and single TNF sent one straight back at the skipper Dalling to be C&B, something clearly not anticipated by Smart who struggled to pad up in a rush, even attempting to strap a thigh pad to his shin. James made up for it in spades at the crease notching a quick 14* that had some spectators (and Midi players) wondering if the 49ers could snatch an unlikely victory. But it wasn’t to be and with the last throw of the dice Heath was stumped for 6 when they needed 21 from the last ball.

Some might argue that there can be no small victory to cling to amid the agony of defeat, no phoenix to rise from the ashes of loss. But for the 49ers, these few, these happy few, these band of brothers elevated through the sheer force of man-love to the status of kings and princes know otherwise. Truly it was only in the shadow of a series defeat that the 49ers - students of French literature to a man - saw through the darkness to the shining beacon of hope that is the unwritten future of the Brockwell 49ers and truly understood the words of the poet Guillame Apollinaire,

Perdre

Mais perdre vraiment

Pour laisser place à la trouvaille

Perdre

La vie pour trouver la Victoire

Midi innings
Rogers c Tonkinson b McBurnie 30
Allison lbw Tonkinson 17
Bowyer c Brichto b Tonkinson 0
George c McBurnie b Partridge 90
Dalling b Tonkinson 5
Lalljee b Elliott 1
Field c ? b McBurnie 18
Gratton lbw Cherrington 4
Adam not out 0
David b Heath 9

Hamilton 8-0-41-0 (verdicts from Howsam, J. and Howsam, F. - “expensive”)
Tonkinson 8-3-24-3
McBurnie 6-0-37-2
Elliott 7-0-36-2
Smart 2-0-24-0
Cherrington 1-0-7-1
Partridge 2-0-20-1
Heath 0.2-0-4-1

Brockwell innings
McBurnie st Alex 61
Hamilton b Rogers 12
Cherrington b Bowyer 0
Young c ? b Allison 8
Tonkinson lbw George 19
Elliott run out Dalling 34
Partridge c&b Dalling 5
Heath stumped Dalling 6
Smart not out 14
Evans DNB
Brichto DNB

Man of the match: George

49ers man of the match: Ian Tonkinson

49ers lose, cricket wins

Midi CC came with one hell of a reputation. According to moonlighting 49er and Scottish migrant John “Todger” McBurnie, they were the second best team in France. For the local press, their dismantling of a rival team was worthy of substantial coverage. For the 49ers it was a new challenge, and their first outside of the British Isles.

Midi’s southern French ground, complete with plastic green, stunning views and hilltop town hall, was the scene for a successful Gordon Cherrington toss. “Stumpy” elected to bat first, but the 49ers openers struggled against the feisty bowling of Rogers and Allison, McBurnie departing for a duck and Ian “Banter” Tonkinson (8) finding some rhythm before Rob had him LBW. Cherrington (9) looked good but fell quickly. Hamilton (9), watched by doting wife Francis and appreciative toddler Mylo, made history by scoring more singles than boundaries, but could not turn a tide that was remorselessly heading Midi’s way.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Cherrington had controversially placed Brockwell virgin Tom “Flick Knife” Young at number five, but on a roasting September afternoon the ever-courteous Aberdonian’s flashing blade fully validated his captain’s bold decision-making. Young’s glorious 48 combined careful husbandry with boundary-busting flair, and found foils in a fine knock from Tom “The Northern Fist” Partridge (12) and a neat, if concise cameo from Nick “The Chief” Heath, before Graeme Elliott produced perhaps the most destructive innings in 49ers history, powering three sixes past the disbelieving Midi fielders on his way to a vital 42.

The middle order had put the 49ers right back in it, and a quickfire 15 from James “Playa” Smart and dabbed single from Phil “White Chocolate” Evans brought the Londoners to a solid 178. Young carried his bat, and no one could begrudge him the honour, except perhaps Adam “Prancing Pony” Brichto, who was cruelly run out by the star, his luxuriant quiff skidding as he leapt for safety on the dusty ground.

The 49ers knew they had a job to do in the field. Hamilton began uncertainly, but soon he and fellow speed merchant Elliott had Midi openers Rogers and Allison on the back foot. But the expats did what Brockwell have always struggled to do: defend. The Brockwell quicks eventually got their breakthrough, McBurnie’s pace opening the door for Hamilton, who eventually took an impressive three wickets. But Midi were looking strong, Allison top-scoring for them with 41, despite struggling with the niggly slow-to-medium pace of Smart.

He eventually fell to Cherrington, whose drama-packed over included the game’s best wide, four boundaries and an inch-perfect humdinger of a slower ball. Stumpy had delivered a fine motivational speech before his over, recalling Churchill, Gandhi and Ant & Dec, but despite some great swing from Elliot and some tricky balls from the Prancing Pony, the 49ers could not hold Midi back, Bowyer and Simon in particular deserving credit for some stubborn batting. A fine two overs from Tonkinson – perhaps a case of too-little-too-late, made the finish a tense one, but Midi eventually won with two wickets to spare.

The 49ers could rue some missed opportunities – there were a few fumbles in the hard outfield, some lucky edges for Midi and a few talented bowlers who did not get the opportunity to impress – and they know they can do better tomorrow. But today, at least, belonged to Midi. A fine team lost, a good team won, and the winner – the art of arse-slapping aside – was cricket.

Man of the match: Allison

49ers man of the match: Young

Scorecard: Not getting put up yet as I have to eat some food

FRANCE 2009 – Squad announced

Brichto Adam (All-rounder)
Cherrington Gordon © (All-rounder)
Elliott Graeme (All-rounder)
Evans Philip (All-rounder)
Hamilton Edward (All-rounder)
Heath Nicholas (All-rounder)
McBurnie John (All-rounder)
Partridge Thomas (All-rounder)
Smart James (All-rounder)
Tonkinson * Ian (vc) (Wicket-keeper / Batsmen)
Young Thomas (Specialist fielder)

Batting attack
Tonkinson
McBurnie
Cherrington
Hamilton
Partridge
Heath
Smart
Elliott
Evans
Young
Brichto

Bowling partnerships
Hamilton
Elliott

McBurnie
Cherrington

Partridge
Smart

Evans
Heath

Young
Tonkinson

Final sqaud member announced

With only 1 day remaining until the Brockwell 49ers embark on their very own Tour De France, a new squad member announced he would be joining the fun train.

Imagine if you will a giant East German laboratory … its sole purpose, to blend together the best elements of mankind to produce the ultimate athlete who, competing under the name Jorgen, would astound the world at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics by taking Gold in the Rhythmic Gymnastics.

Well, now imagine if this, by now derelict laboratory, had been re-discovered by some wayward revellers who after having a wonderful time at Berlin’s world renowned Love Parade, stumbled across our lab and decided that they would use it's facilities for good … and good alone. They would create the world’s prettiest and campest prancing manhorse.

Using DNA from Dale Winton, John Barrowman, Tom Cruise, and some hair from the mane of an Andalucian dancing horse, our ‘scientists’ unleashed their first hybrid-man-dancing-stallion-man. The first of what they hoped was to be a long line of man-dancing-stallion-men, they decided to name their beautiful creation Adam and let him run free across the plains of Europe … and perhaps beyond.

Adam ‘the prancing stallion’ Brichto was discovered by James ‘the hoarse whisperer’ in 1995 on the side of an Andean plateau. Astounded by his beauty, James convinced Adam to return with him to the shores of Great Britainia. And thank god he did.


James and Adam, Wimbledon, 1996

Adam astounded both fans and players alike with his 49ers debut back in July. Gracing, and at time grazing, the field in what can best be described as a homage to Alan Partridge’s ‘sports casual’ look, Adam’s guile and cunning in the field resulted in many, many runs being saved (3).

It was however highly individual bowling technique that really burned into ones memory. ‘Like watching Riverdance … only with horses and less Irish people’ is how one spectator described Adam’s moves.

Adam … oh one of first creation … we welcome you with open arms and hope that you can re-create the magical times you gave us all those weeks ago. When the ball is tossed to you on France’s fair fields, unleash thy inner equine desires and prance Adam … prance like the wind.

TO FRANCE!

49er Merchandise

49ers in tail-ender gender bender shocker

Scandal has yet again rocked the Brockwell 49ers after it emerged that the International Cricket Council has demanded the GENDER testing of one of its founding members. The ICC’s involvement has been prompted by intense press speculation that maverick batsman Nick Heath is in fact a big girl’s blouse. An unnamed insider told RUYC “Nick has missed endless training sessions and frankly the guys have been talking.”

“GIRLY”

“He claims he’s been busy but we all know he’s been playing ‘softball’. It makes you question all those magical times he’s patted you on the bum, and that’s something none of us want to do.” RUYC has learned unsavoury rumours that Heath has been bringing a girly catcher’s mitt to matches and been seen running in an obscure diamond shape are to be made in a leading Sunday newspaper.

“BOOBIES”

This reporter understands that as a show of good faith Brockwell’s captain Stumpy has agreed to undertake a sex test claiming “all the 49ers are well aware that gender is simply a social construct - that’s a no brainer. But sex is a different matter, I know because once a girl let me have a go on her boobies and it was ace.” Suggestions that Cherrington had in fact FAILED the test could not be confirmed before going to press.

Late, but not forgotten.

Ex captain 'Hammy' enlists help from rat in mysterious construction project

Secrets of Stumpy's fitness regime revealed

Captain joins new team!

Rumours that Brockwell 49ers' Captain Gordon "Stumpy" Cherrington has been moonlighting with another team have finally been confirmed after shock photos were leaked today.

GOTH ROCKER GETS 4 OUT OF 10 IN DANCE COMP SHOCKER!!!

At Edgebaston, during tea, in a thrilling ashes clash, a dance competition was held to provide some light relief for the nervous spectators. Emo sports fan Ed 'Hammy' Hamilton was "boo-ed" down with 4 out of a possible 10, the lowest score of the day, and a slow-clap from some ginger guy in the back. Requests for the traditional England walkout Jerusalem to be replaced with James Smart's rendition of (remix to) Ignition went ignored by the ECB representatives.

Ruthless.

If we're going to prevail in France we're going to have to be pretty cold-blooded so I think we can all take a lesson from the number 19 here:



No retreat, no surrender.

49ers profligacy has Calypso dancing

Easy now, match report to calm you all down. Sorry for the delay...

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On a breezy damp day in North London, Brockwell’s finest took on Calypso looking to capitalise on their recent emphatic T20 victory. SPOILER ALERT…the 49ers failed. Comprehensively. But on a wild day, with players unavailable due to poor wedding planning by Tom Rice it was hard not to be impressed with some key contributions during the game, the camp’s burgeoning team spirit and, as always, keen bottom-slapping.

With threatening clouds overhead, 49ers skipper won the toss and opted to take the new ball in swinging conditions, putting admirable faith in our international debutant, Graeme Elliott. Five years since bowling his last delivery, it was a timid first over, conceding 9 what proved to be just the first of 53 extra runs given to Calypso’s total – taking the honour of joint top-scorer with Calypso’s opener Jim Bugg. At the Lido end though, Hammy – mobile phone in pocket due to the imminent birth of the 49ers youngest supporter – took up the mantle in a spell of four overs that probed, teased and occasionally fucked the Calypso top order right up. His reward, the early wicket of Goddard, trapped LBW to a skiddy quicker delivery. Stumpy and Tonkinson squealed from behind the timbers, Hammy turned to give the umpire his best come hither eyes – the same ones Frankie fell for before 9 months carrying wee Mylo – and the rest of the team brought an almost operatic quality to what seems to be fast becoming the 49ers strongest asset; the appeal. There was plenty more where that came from too as Elliott picked up his pace and improved his accuracy to give the openers a stiff working over. It wasn’t just the batsmen being caused problems either as probing line and length (mostly short and down leg side) sent Stumpy sprawling and giving Heath problems on the boundary rope as byes kept the scoreboard ticking over. It was with notable style, though, that first Heath and then Stumpy took to fielding in the deep, diving athletically for lost causes and taking gymnastics to new heights with a succession of rope-burning forward rolls and slides. Elliott ended with 3 maidens from 6 overs but no wickets in his spell. Hamilton took one wicket for 15 in his six overs.

After a probing opening partnership, up stepped Le Tonk and King at first change. After a strong start from Tonk, an increasingly wayward King stepped up to take the all important wicket of Newton, whose square cut and leg glances looked to be taking the wind out of the 49ers sails. But one too many flashes of the bat took the ball on to his stumps and enthusiastic bum-slapping followed. The new batsman arrived at the crease but so did Calypso’s secret weapon, Extras – seemingly blindfolding the much-vaunted swinger King, taking his keys from the bowl and leading him to an empty room while the rest of the team frolicked in the field chasing three overs of no-balls, wides, long hops and beamers around the park. It was a long spell of bowling (1-41 off 3 overs) that nobody was sorry to see the back of – especially when the opportunity to take the ‘15-over’ drinks break. 108-2 said the scoreboard. ‘We can still beat them’ said our leader.

Inspired, Sunday-cricketer Kirk stepped into the breach and grabbed himself two quick wickets with expert left-arm slingers drawing ever more forward defences from calypso opener, Jim and false shots from his partners. The highlight of the spell, however, came from the chief bum-slapper, Terrington (sic). Having wisely taken himself away from the job of aimlessly flailing about behind the stumps, skipper Terrington took a courageous catch at slip, snaffling one high above his head to leave Calypso on the brink of what should have been a cataclysmic collapse – at 156 for 5 and the niners into a scared looking middle order. And who wouldn’t be scared when Martin ‘The Morpeth Express’ Edwards begins limbering up at midwicket and with the prancing Brichto skipping around the outfield just begging to be thrown the ball.

Terrington had other ideas though. After a teasing first over from the Morpeth Express, a mixture of jack-knifing leg-breaks and straight dibbly-dobblers that kept the batsmen guessing, Stumpy surprised everyone by not only bowling but bowling straight. And with devastating effect. Five dot balls and…WICKET! Deceptively slow, Terrington tempted Ebanks into a heave over midwicket and was clean bowled leaving our jubilant, screaming captain with a wicket maiden; the first in 49ers history. While Kirk, Edwards and Bennett completed their tidy overs, the score board just kept ticking slowly over, each boundary a twist of the knife as the innings drew ever closer to 200 and Jim took his round of applause, ending his obdurate innings at 53. All that remained was Adam ‘the Spanish Pony’ Brichto who’s bowling was full of enthusiasm but more reminiscent of dressage than cricket. Calypso finished on 202-7. A gettable score one would think. ‘Around par’ was the verdict from within the camp as they considered matters over sausage rolls and Kronenburg.

At a shade under 6 an over required Kirk and Stumpy strolled nonchalantly to the crease, fresh from lunch and just a smattering of rain. Looking to forge a strong opening partnership, Stumpy took his guard and stoutly defended his wicket, confusing Calypso’s bowlers by standing still and pretending to be a fourth stump. A leg glance and he was off the mark. Kirk Leight, in his first innings for the niners and sporting a rather impressive looking blue helmet, also took his time to feel his way before crashing the first of what would be a number of classic cover drives. But the innings was only four overs old when Calypso drew first blood, taking Stumpy’s wicket with an easy catch. King, keen to make up for a disappointing bowling display ambled to the crease but in what would become a regular feature of a disappointing 49ers batting performance, lasted just one further over, scoring three singles before dinking a timid defensive prod back to the bowler. With only three sets of pads, panic was beginning to set in – would we have enough equipment for the next batsman before the next man was out? Would former captain Hamilton recover from his time in the field - where he controversially sought to stop every ball with his ankle – to make the runs required to chase down Calypso’s total?

It started well, Kirk was playing tidy cricket, picking off runs where he could while Hammy grew in confidence at the other end. Taking no shit from the bowlers, Hamilton drove with abandon, hooked and pulled his way to a swashbucking 14 runs, scored with just three lusty blows. But it wasn’t to last and taking on the bowler a fourth time he was caught deep in the outfield and the game looked to be running away. Internationalist Elliott wasn’t able to match his pre-game bravura, getting carried away after a square cut that zipped to the cover boundary by attempting to knock the lacquer of the ball and missing. Bowled for 5. Heath up next – averaging around 30 before the game but not happy with the conditions one little bit – but still the wickets tumbled, much as Heath had been seen to do in the field. The Great Dane bowed out with a disappointing duck.

But what was this – Bowdney and Leight started to look like they wanted it more. 49ers spirit started coursing through their veins, cajoled by our leader and former skipper who as on-field umpires did their best to keep up the sledging. Staring down the barrel though, both batsmen caught the bullets between their teeth, spitting them out in the form of runs, ones and twos mainly but it sure got us aroused sitting on the boundary ropes. Ending a run of a wicket falling every over, these two were as close to our Gower and Boycott as we could muster, but it was to be a mini-revival only. Leight, deceived by a ball travelling so slowly that a speed gun would have barely registered it, went to up the run rate and was bowled. For a spirited 19. In the context of the game, this was fricking awesome. Sadly the remaining batters couldn’t stay with free-scoring Ruari as a further succession of wickets fell cheaply, including his own, finally bowled for a man-of-the-49ers score of 22. Spirits were momentarily raised by the prancing Brichto, who went out to bat looking like an overweight Hugh Grant in cricket whites and a navy pullover. Comedy aside, he lasted three balls and was quickly caught, wrapping up the 49ers innings in less than 20 overs for a total of 78, a disappointing result after what promised to be a tight game between two mediocre but enthusiastic sides.

We still rock, though. And those fuckers will come back for more, only this time we’ll be ready for them, full team, fewer hangovers and more tightly-honed forward defences. The future still looks bright. We’ve got sledging, appealing and bottom-slapping nailed down. Bowling, batting and fielding are next but we’re getting there dammit and our day will come. Next match, 23rd August. WE WILL WIN.


49ers Batting
Leight (Kirk) 19 (bowled)
Cherrington 6 (caught)
Phil 3 (c&B)
Hamilton 14 (caught)
Elliott 5 (bowled)
Heath 0 (bowled)
Bowdney 22 (bowled)
Tonkinson 2 (lbw)
Edwards 2 (bowled)
Kevin 0 N/O
Brichto 0 (caught)

78 ALL OUT

49ers Bowling
Elliott 6-3-17-0
Hamilton 6-0-15-1
Tonkinson 4-0-28-0
King 4-0-41-1
Bennett 4-1-21-0
Kirk 5-0-19-2
Edwards 3-0-19-0
Cherrington 3-1-14-2
Brichto 1-0-9-0

First footage of Hammy Jnr leaked to RUYC

Right Up Your Crease has obtained exclusive footage of all-rounder "Hammy" Hamilton's young son who is already proving to be a crowd pleaser. The video suggests that the youngster is surprisingly precocious and more importantly has reassured the many people concerned that baby Mylo would inherit his father's legendarily appalling taste in music:



Pithy and potentially homophobic comment from notorious blog lurker Frankie is expected shortly.

Blog purpose in doubt as team disquiet brews

Senior figures within the Brockwell 49ers are currently questioning the very purpose of the team’s weblog as a spat between between baby-faced captain Gordon Cherrington and baby-making ex-captain Ed Hamilton continued to mar the team's preparations.

Maverick batsman Nick Heath was unequivocal in his dismay at recent events. “Originally I thought the blog was a place for all the 49ers to come together and look at pictures of pretty ladies in their pants” Heath raged while rummaging furiously through his trouser pockets, “now it seems just the latest venue for Hammy and Stumpy to vent their hate speech. Bring back the bikini bitches!! Naaarrgghhhh!!!!” he climaxed.

Spin wizard and keen amateur Freudian psychiatrist James Smart was eager to express his own perverted diagnosis of the pair. “In a sport so rife with phallic objects these kind of alpha male competitions are inevitable” he mused in between puffs of an impossibly large cigar. Continuing in what can only be described as a bizarre sub-Allo Allo German accent, Smart observed that “vhile almost every other member of zer team has managed to sublimate zeez desires into zer ritual Hinterteileschlagen or bum slapping, Herr Cherrington und Herr Hamilton’s rivalry has developed into ein dangerous und sexy threat to zer thousand year Reich zat previously vos zer destiny for der Neunundvierzigers.”

In a refreshing change Hamilton and Cherrington were both unavailable for comment.

Fatherhood results in loss of memory for Hammy

Responding to Hammy’s recent posting about me disappearing up my own arse, I would like to draw all subscribers to this blog to some of our early posts where Hammy, writing about the 49ers and their exploits, refers to himself as ‘Hammy’,

Cock

Stumpy disappears up own arse

Gordon Cherrington has mysteriously disappeared - and fellow 49ers believe the best place to start looking is up his own arsehole.

Alarms were raised when the 49ers captain - aka Stumpy - began writing blog posts referring to himself in the third person.

It is unknown just how deep the search will go, but Cherrington's housemate and friend, Ian Tonkinson, has already expressed concern over the organisation of search teams and their chances of finding anything relevant in Stumpy's butthole.

"The whole thing stinks!" Said Tonkinson, 49ers wicket keeper and chief sledger. "I wouldn't be surprised if they find a gerbil or two and the odd jar of marmite but Gordon? No chance. He's in too deep."

The search into Stumpy's battycrease continues.

49ers ‘star’ all rounder touches another teams balls…

49er players and fans have expressed dismay at the news that their captain, Gordon Cherrington, played for another team on Sunday 26th July.

Speaking from 49er HQ, media spokesperson and founding member, Ed ‘Hammy’ Hamilton said:

“It is with a mixture of sadness and pride that I can confirm that Gordon Cherrington did in fact turn out for another team in an actual cricket match. We understand that Gordon was ‘tapped up’ on Friday by the Victoria and Albert Museum team, and asked to play a leading role in their match against Stonar CC. The match took place in Henley between 12pm – 6pm on Sunday and by all accounts Gordon was pretty outstanding”

“We would like to reassure all 49er fans that Gordon is, and always will be, a 49er and that his decision to play for another team was based purely on his desire to improve his own performance for the Brockwell 49ers. I have spoken to Gordon this morning and he has once again re-assured me that he will honour his 49er contract and will be turning out for us next season”

Witnesses who attended the game in Henley are said to have remarked that Cherrington ‘played out of his skin’ was ‘as agile as a cat on speed’ in the field and that despite being a last minute addition to the V&A team, also played ‘majestically’ when asked to take the keepers gloves for 10 overs.

This blog managed to catch up with Cherrington at last night’s exclusive viewing of the West Wing, season 4, episode 3 at his house, where he said:

“Look, I got asked to play by another team because one of their players had seen me a couple of times for the 49ers and thought I was pretty shit hot. It does not in anyway mean that I’m turning my back on the 49ers … the very spirit of that team runs through my veins, stirs through my soul and ripples through my underpants. Those lads mean the world to me and I will never ever leave them … although the tea was pretty special at yesterday’s game …”

The V&A team were unavailable for comment.

I’m currently listening to the Les Miserable soundtrack. I’m really enjoying it and am thinking I may have gone fully gay. In the past two weeks I have been to see Take That at Wembley, cried at a newspaper article, had oatcakes as a 'snack' and am now listening to musical soundtracks on Spotify.

Thankfully I will be able to restore my man power by attending the 49ers nets session at 6:30pm this evening in Lambeth. I’m going to channel all the negative energy I currently have swirling through my veins and hit that ball for at least 3 imaginary runs. See you there 49ers … see you there

Not in my world ...

... who the f*ck allowed a lady to write on this blog of manness!!

Ed - sort it out.

Frankie, I'm really sorry to have mis-spelt Mylo's name and I will make you a cup of tea tonight.

Get it right Gordon.

Its not Jamie-jo like a girl from a beauty pagent that is being fucked by her step dad then gets brutally murdered. Its Jamie Joe like his 2 grandads.
Peace
Can I have a cup of tea?
Frankie.

With a demand for international caps with the Brockwell 49ers at an all time high, I thought I’d give a few stats and figures to keep everyone up to date with the goings on in the world of the 49ers.

So far this season, a total of 18 different players have been given the honour of representing the 3rd best team in the, globally renowned, London tri-team tournament (but the best team in the world renowned, one-off, London 20/20 match against Calypso CC), amassing a massive 43 caps between them.

‘Swiss Tony’ Bowdney, ‘Skip’ Cherrington and the newly crowned, ‘Stumpy’ Tonkinson are our most capped playaz’ with 4 a piece, whilst ‘Hammy’ Hamilton, James ‘the spin doctor’ Smart, Nick ‘JB’ Heath, Tom ‘TNF’ Partridge and Tom ‘so goddam manly’ Husband are all carrying 3 caps each.

Our next game is looking like the 23rd August and will most likely be our farewell game before embarking on our very own Tour De France. The EPO has been ordered, the train tickets are booked and we’ve all learned lots of rude French words. It’s going to be epic.

One final word of congratulations must go to our real captain and new father, Ed Hamilton.

After 9 months and 8 days, ‘Hammy’ and his wife, Frankie ‘can I have a cup of tea please’ Hamilton welcomed little Mylo Jamie-Jo Hamilton into the world. He weighed in at a massive 7lbs and 9ozs and is already nearly as big as our captain. He looks like a total dude and has secured his place in the side … replacing his dad (who he can be seen with in the picture below).


Mylo, on behalf of all the 49ers, this blog would like to welcome you to the world of cricket, chicks, beer, cigarettes and bottom slapping. In years to come, when you’re leading the 49ers you can say that you made your debut on this blog at the age of 107.5 hours. Respec’

Give a man a bat and he will most likely go out for a golden duck. Teach a man to bat and he may still go out for a golden duck but at least I tried to teach you muppets how to play. (Adam Taylor proverb)

The world cries

Following Brockwell 49ers shock defeat on Saturday it seems the world has been wanting to show its sorrow and heartache at us losing to Calypso. People have started crying as an act of compassion, and simply haven't stopped, such was the emotional burden of us not winning.

It seems the phenomenon has started off a craze, with people just spontaneously bursting out crying the world over.

'Its heartfelt and warming to have support like this. It shows we hold a place in these people's hearts, I'm just sorry we let them down' said a 49er spokesman.

Thanks to all the Brockwell 49ers fans out there for showing their support.

Rumoured sponsorship deals with Kleenex Man-sized tissues and Aerosmith have been reported as well as the 49ers apparently thinking of changing their name to the 'Cry babies'. These rumours have however not been confirmed by any officials from the club. A spokesman for the 49ers said that these rumours were 'ridiculous' although the Kleenex partnership would be interesting though as 'we seem to get through a lot of man-sized tissues during the game'.

Alternative travel plans

I know that we've already booked tickets to France, but I've come up with a more suitable way for us to make our entrance on the continent:



Come on guys, when they catch a sight of the 49ers storming the beaches they'll be running their cricket whites up the nearest flagpole before you can say 'collaboration'.

Day 2 - still excited

Well well well, Day 2 looms large - like an overfed Kangaroo bounding towards England's speeding Ute...only one winner in that contest. Broady is at the crease and should be looking for some lusty blows early doors while Jimmy blocks his way to double figures. Incidentally, Jimmy's record of 49 tests without a duck is phenomenal. The 49ers should take note. I'm hoping we'll get through the whole of Saturday's game without one too - consider that the gauntlet being laid down. Roll on 11am.

And so begins the 2009 Ashes series. What an absolute joy it is to know that for the next few weeks we will have the opportunity to nip out and grab a lunchtime pint whilst watching a few overs, leave work at bang on 6pm to get home in time for the Channel 5, 7:15pm highlights show and listen to the joys to TMS on Radio Five Live.

So far today England have steadily gone about their business despite a bit of a nervy opening and the loss of three pretty early wickets. I watched Cook dismissal and to be honest it was a pretty handy catch. Bopara will learn from over exuberant start. His shot reminded me our very own Tom ‘Northern Fist’ Partridge. He too, like Bopara, was relatively in-experienced when he came into the 49ers side. He’d shown much early promise in the nets but his first couple of games showed his lack of maturity in front of the stumps and his shot selection, though bold, was not always correct. Now look at him.

Alongside Nick Heath, TNF proved he’d taken everything on board from his previous two innings and ended up hitting a very nifty 22 during our recent 20/20 win against Calypso.
I believe that Ravi is actually going to be speaking to Tom tonight to get some tips.

Strauss meanwhile was playing like all great captains and managed to get himself out for 30. To be fair, it was a pretty nasty ball by Mitchell Johnson and Strauss didn’t have much time to react but things weren’t starting to look so good for England as they went in for drinks on 90-3

Thankfully for England, it was the turn of KP and Collingwood who struck up a lovely partnership (though Collingwood has just been caught for 64). KP’s being quite subdued, hitting 69 J from 138 and has just been joined by the Priory.

So England currently on 240-4 off 69 J … it never fails to amuse me.

Not a bad day so far all round for England. The Aussie bowling attack ain’t looking that great, Ponting still looks a little bit like an in-bred dwarf who’s been stretched between two small donkeys (he is from Tasmania to be honest … so is Ed’s mum incidentally), and Bret Lee is probably still pissed off.

KP just gone (this really is up-to date) …but it does allow me to say he has gone for 69 J

WILMAAAAAAAA!

Ashes: T minus 20 minutes

Anyone else proper excited about the Ashes?! Two spinners picked to back up Broady, Jimmy and Freddie. Lee out, Clark dropped and England to bat...bring it!!

...king news...breaking news...brea...

Former Marchmont CC and Edinburgh University 'reserve' cricketer, Graeme Elliott commits himself to the 49ers by buying actual cricket spikes. Commenting exclusively to 'Right Up Your Crease', Elliott revealed 'I'm gagging for my debut next Saturday, mixing it with Brockwell's finest cricketers of a generation. Bring it. I'm gonna score a century and take a hatrick. FACT'. Reports from the club confirm this is unlikely but are full of praise for Elliott's commitment to the cause.

49ers banish demons to record first win

It was a new format and a new ground, and as Friday night drew to a close, the 49ers had a new taste in their mouths. Victory. The Calypso CC had edged past them in the sides’ previous meeting, their decent openers and resilient tail outlasting an inexperienced Brockwell team over 35 overs. Put into bat, the 49ers wobbled early, special guest Chris Mounsey-Thear putting a delivery into the hands of a fielder well short of Highgate’s compact boundaries.

But tonight at least, Calypso’s fielding came a distant second to their company. The ball was dropped, and Mounsey-Thear’s aggressive strokeplay made his opponents rue their missed chance. Boundaries came, and kept coming, the fence, small rubbish dump and neighbouring cricket pitch pierced again and again by balls that rushed along the ground and through the air, and frequently required small salvage teams to recover them. Bowlers Bugg and Bill watched in barely concealed admiration, fellow opener Ian “Banter” Tonkinson required no invitation to get in on the action, and the pair put on their fifty partnership with something approaching nonchalance.

It was a blistering opening, and Calypso were delighted to eventually take Tonkinson with a neat catch. But while the poor bastards might have escaped the frying pan, they were no match for Adam Taylor’s fiery innings. It was a little bit like watching the Terminator straggle a puppy, only with a better backlift and smarter whites. The bowlers rotated, the 49ers cheered, Mounsey-Thear retired unbeaten and the 49ers moved to over a hundred for the loss of only one wicket.

There is a cloud around every silver lining, and inspirational captain Gordon Cherrington, whose stern reminders and excellent administrative skills had ensured many of his team turned up on time, could only notch a scatchy eight before being clean-bowled by Lee. Tom Partridge walked out, and north London held its breath. Despite some impressive net form and a vivacious personality, the Northern Fist had only managed two golden ducks in his career. He began nervously, blocking, then swinging and missing, as Taylor continued his assault. Then something clicked, a ball skidded past a despairing fielder, and the Partridge was singing.

His increasingly cavalier innings found its foil in Nick “The Chief” Heath, who replaced a retiring Taylor and began a wonderfully idiosyncratic innings, mixing unexpected defensive plays with clattering drives and – in what was perhaps the shot of the match, a manouevre that was once known as “Doing a Dilshan” but must surely now be described as “Pulling a Heath”, something most of us would never dream of doing. The ball missed his beaming face by inches, wooshed over the wicketkeeper and set a new benchmark in 49ers flair. When the pair retired triumphant on 22 and 15 respectively, Brockwell had reached a hugely impressive 192 for 2, and the world had two more heroes.

The match was far from won, but no one seemed to have told Tom “Plumb” Husbands, who conceded a mere eight runs in his two overs, bamboozling openers Rawlings and Wallace with pace and five ferocious wides. Mike Stainthorpe’s classic medium pace kept the pressure on, and an increasingly frustrated Calypso lost their first wicket before they’d passed twenty, falling to wily Kiwi Dan, another welcome guest preacher in the 49ers temple of cricket, before Mounsey-Thear, returning to his churning leg-breaks, took another. Flack dug in with a patient performance at the crease, but Ellerby and Colin went with barely a whimper, Mounsey-Thear and Kiwi Dan forming a double act that made “shock and awe” look like the technologically assisted product of a misguided and greed-driven foreign policy.

The shadows lengthened and Graham inched his way to 18 with some careful batting, but any hopes Calypso had for mercy fell on the deaf ears of the Brockwell pack and their FWaGs, whose fair faces and impeccable dress sense lit up the evening. Calypso’s umpires had hit the lagers even before Orthodox left-armer James Smart, bearded wild-man Heath and dashing Cherrington teased the middle order. Then Ruari Dowdney, getting real swing in the long twilight, took the dangerous Graham to the cleaners and back with a splendid offside delivery that chat-happy wicketkeeper Tonkinson took with typical ablomb.

Taylor, who had bowled impressively in the 49ers’ opening games but failed to take a wicket, grabbed two in his third game, including a buoyant delivery that Bugg switched stance twice to. Partridge nicked another with his malevolent, unpredictable medium pace but the Calypso tail again proved hardy. A win might have been out of the question, but the boys from Walthamstow still had pride to play for.

Unfortunately for them, so did a returning Smart, who chucked a looping, inspinning bomb in the final over. It was clipped by the batsmen and snaffled by Tonkinson, and Calypso were down to their final two batsmen. Going for a 50/50 single, they failed to predict Dowdney’s pace in the field, the ball came back to Smart and the bails crumbled like a Messerschmitt Bf 109 under a hail of rosy-cheeked British propaganda leaflets. The pint-swigging umpire waited for a beat, raised his finger and everyone fucked off down the clubhouse for a bevy. Pakistan, according to a breathless Jonathan Agnew, were said to be “shitting it”. To France and beyond!

49ers innings

Tonkinson 30 Caught

Thear 50 Rtrd

Taylor 51 Rtrd

Cherrington 8 Bowled

Partridge 22 N/O

Heath 15 N/O

Total 192 for 2

Run rate 9.6 per over

Bugg 1 – 32

Bill 0 – 35

Lee 1 – 41

Pete 0 – 35

Colin 0 – 12

Banks 0 – 8

Flack 0 – 9

Calypso innings

Rawlings 7 bowled

Wallace 9 bowled

Flack 9 caught

Ellerby 0 bowled

Colin 1 bowled

Graham 18 caught

Herman 11 caught

Pete 1 bowled

Bugg 6 caught

Morgan 0 run out

Leon 0 not out

EXTRAS 32

Total 94 all out

Husbands 8-0

Stainthorpe 16-0

Kiwi Dan 13-2

Mounsey-Thear 0-2

Smart 16-1

Heath 9-0

Dowdney 5-1

Cherrington 15-0

Taylor 6-2

Partridge 16-1