Friday 29 May 2009
Wednesday 27 May 2009
American father uses child to soften the blow of fantasty football loss
Dear Managers
You’ve probably noticed the season is over; I just wanted to say thanks for playing.I must admit I do feel like the villain of the piece, having organised the thing and yet also taken the money, so let me just say it has been an absolute pleasure taking your money. YET AGAIN.If it’s any consolation, the Justice League was ranked in the top 1.1% out of all the other leagues in the game, so you did your part in making it as fiercely competitive as it was. This was no layabout league.
Lastly, let me just say that even though you can't bask in the winner's glow (or spend the winner's dough) you can take heart in knowing you helped contribute to Edie's college fund, and you can see how please she is about it:
Monday 25 May 2009
In the wilderness
Come on gents, can someone give us international squad players an update as to the team's recent progress at the crease - stumpy, do you have a match report? Were there laps of honour following a first victory? 5-wicket hauls for Jimmy Smart? Or has team morale slipped to an all time low? Did your sordid romancing of Shoaib Akhtar get much of a mention around the dressing room?
Thursday 21 May 2009
Shoaib Akhtar out of World Twenty20 with genital warts
Amazing stuff. Reports he was recently spanking a few boundaries with Gordon "Stumpy" Cherrington are still unconfirmed.
Sorry Cap, but I literally don't sleep when it comes to this shit.
Whitey C.
Annoucing change to the batting line up...number 8, Joe 'Owzat' O'Connner.
Rumoured to be like a wounded animal...dangerous!
Team list for 23rd May
1. Ian Tonkinson
2. Gordon Cherrington (w)
3. Adam Taylor
4. Ed Hamilton
5. Chris Mounsey-Thear
6. Tom Partridge
7. James Smart
8. Joe O'Conner
9. Tom Husbands
10. Martin Edwards
11. Phil Evans
Rumoured to be like a wounded animal...dangerous!
Team list for 23rd May
1. Ian Tonkinson
2. Gordon Cherrington (w)
3. Adam Taylor
4. Ed Hamilton
5. Chris Mounsey-Thear
6. Tom Partridge
7. James Smart
8. Joe O'Conner
9. Tom Husbands
10. Martin Edwards
11. Phil Evans
Wednesday 20 May 2009
Tuesday 19 May 2009
Thursday 14 May 2009
Captain of Men, Leader of My Heart
It was the summer of love - 1994, I was big, hairy and ugly yet I could not take my eyes off this young, silky skinned, fresh faced piece of meat that drifted out of the boarding house clutching his soft, pert behind. Was it an angel sent down to please me or the devil sent to test me? Only time would tell.
It wasn’t however until I saw this siren at the crease for the first time that I knew one day he would break my heart. Grace, poise and elegance are words often thrown around too cheaply, yet seeing such deftness in defence and authority in attack made me weep with joy and recoil in amazement in equal quantities.
That protagonist of the U14 B’s taught me not only how to play cricket but also how to be a man. I owe him my life, my being, my sexuality. A captain of men, a leader of my heart, Hammy I salute you.
It wasn’t however until I saw this siren at the crease for the first time that I knew one day he would break my heart. Grace, poise and elegance are words often thrown around too cheaply, yet seeing such deftness in defence and authority in attack made me weep with joy and recoil in amazement in equal quantities.
That protagonist of the U14 B’s taught me not only how to play cricket but also how to be a man. I owe him my life, my being, my sexuality. A captain of men, a leader of my heart, Hammy I salute you.
Tuesday 12 May 2009
U2 frontman leads tributes to 49ers captain
Taciturn pop dwarf Bono has called for a day of global mourning to honour the early retirement of Brockwell 49ers skipper Edward Hamilton. "Until Tuesday afternoon, I felt secure in my faith in cricket, in hope and in mullets," said the minstrel in a hastily-called press conference. "A candle that burned brightly has been extinguished, a trumpet that parped repeatedly been silenced. Under Edward's captaincy, the 49ers moved from being a bunch of no-hopers to probably the second best team on Hampstead Heath. My thoughts go out to Ed's friends and teammates, and to everyone around the world affected by his courageous decision.
Stars from London's soft rock demi-monde, which Hamilton frequently pronounced "the fucking shit" gathered to honour the man and the legend. "I'll never forget that first training session," said a visibly moved David "Whitesnake" Coverdale. Hammy gave me the confidence I never knew I had."
Hamilton, nicknamed "Hammy" after the delicate rosy hue of his buttock cheeks, has left his post to raise his firstborn child. Not all observers have been impressed, however. "If the prick had spent less time boozing it up and indulging in homo-erotic banter and more time multi-tasking, I'm sure he could have taken on both childcare and the captaincy", commented Nicola Horlick.
A truer note was sounded by Phil Collins, who is believed to have embarked on a passionate lisason with the 49ers dashing opener, Ian "Banter" Tonkinson. "I felt it coming in the air last night," reminisced the No Jacket Reuqired heartthrob. "Darkness settled over South London. But I sensed a light, a new hope, a new dawn breaking across the tower blocks, semi-detached houses and mumbling weed merchants of Brixton. If anyone can lead this team into a brave new world, it's my great friend Gordon Cherrington. And let's not forget that Ed will continue to bat for the team - I have a feeling that, liberated for captaincy, he may be able to put together the run of form that could cement his England place." Nick Heath was not available for comment.
Stars from London's soft rock demi-monde, which Hamilton frequently pronounced "the fucking shit" gathered to honour the man and the legend. "I'll never forget that first training session," said a visibly moved David "Whitesnake" Coverdale. Hammy gave me the confidence I never knew I had."
Hamilton, nicknamed "Hammy" after the delicate rosy hue of his buttock cheeks, has left his post to raise his firstborn child. Not all observers have been impressed, however. "If the prick had spent less time boozing it up and indulging in homo-erotic banter and more time multi-tasking, I'm sure he could have taken on both childcare and the captaincy", commented Nicola Horlick.
A truer note was sounded by Phil Collins, who is believed to have embarked on a passionate lisason with the 49ers dashing opener, Ian "Banter" Tonkinson. "I felt it coming in the air last night," reminisced the No Jacket Reuqired heartthrob. "Darkness settled over South London. But I sensed a light, a new hope, a new dawn breaking across the tower blocks, semi-detached houses and mumbling weed merchants of Brixton. If anyone can lead this team into a brave new world, it's my great friend Gordon Cherrington. And let's not forget that Ed will continue to bat for the team - I have a feeling that, liberated for captaincy, he may be able to put together the run of form that could cement his England place." Nick Heath was not available for comment.
Brockwell 49ers vs Calypso CC - Match Report
When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. If only he had lived another 2,332 years to witness the warrior spirit that bonded the Brockwell 49ers in the heat of battle on May 10th 2009.
A lost toss made no difference to the order of play, as Calypso CC opted to bat and made steady progress during the opening session. Hamilton opened the bowling from the Toilet end but struggled to keep things regular, bowling without any solid form and missing the target completely on several occasions.
Down at the Lido end, Husbands kept the 49ers out of deep water, bowling a consistent line and length and leaving Calypso's openers very little to play with. This, combined with an excellent display in the field from an army of debutants, meant that boundaries were scarce and the 49ers very much afloat.
Hamilton relieved himself at the toilet end, opting to unleash Ian Tonkinson instead. Straightaway Ian caused a stink in Calypso's top order, bowling with pace, accuracy and, at times, real venom. He was desperately unlucky to not take a wicket, squirting past the edge several times and pushing hard for the breakthrough.
Back at the Lido end, things were still going swimmingly for Husbands, though before long he too had to be replaced - making way for Adam Taylor, who immediately dived into the attack with a fluid combination of line and length.
Not long after the drinks break, Calypso's opening batsman retired tired - a credit to the constant pressure he faced on the field and the 49ers' thirst for a wicket.
The first real breakthrough came just a few minutes later, when James Smart took a neat catch at short mid wicket from the bowling of Hamilton, who was looking much tidier in his second spell.
Suddenly things started going the 49ers way, with wickets falling quickly and cheaply. Tom Partridge glided in from mid on to take a fine catch from a flighted delivery by Ruari Dowdney, who was bowling consistently straight medium pace, and making a real splash at the Lido end.
And then came the best spell of the day. An unforgettable piece of bowling from Micky Fish, who battered Calypso's middle order - netting three wickets in as many overs.
Calypso had lost their rhyhthm, and simply couldn't find the runs as the wickets continued to tumble. Heath had Hampstead in raptures with his first delivery - a viscious full toss that bamboozled Calypso's number six and took out his middle stump.
A wicket too for Evans, who got his fill from an excellent catch at long on. And finally, a little magic from stumpy, who secured a run out from short mid wicket.
After a 34 over session, in which the 49ers showed real determination in the field, Calypso CC were unsteady on 155 for 8. And following a half hour lunch break, both teams were hungry to resume.
1st up for the 49ers were Le Tonk and Stumpy - and while Calypso's steel drums were decidedly quiet, our openers showed their mettle and survived the first few overs easily.
Soon enough though, Ian was unlucky to be given out LBW by Micky Fish. Smelling something rotten, Le Tonk gestured to his bat, indicating the ball had in fact caught an edge before thudding the pad. But the Fish was having none of it - Ian was gone.
And so began the Adam Taylor show – an innings that gave us almost everything but singles. There were fours, sixes, lost balls and dropped catches. In what seemed like hardly any time at all, Adam had reached 50 and gracefully made way for the captain.
All the while, Stumpy had been nibbling away at Calypso’s total in the bravest - and ironically the second biggest innings of the day. He was eventually bowled on the off stump for 26 and was greeted at the boundary by rapturous applause.
Hamilton made a quick 22, Husbands a resilient 10 and Heath a stylish 16 before Dowdney came in to surely finish things off. But no.
Sadly the 49ers tail quacked rather than wagged, as four consecutive wickets fell for no runs. Our retired messiah came back onto the pitch with six runs needed for victory. The atmosphere was electric and the pressure unquantifiable for the two 49ers on the square.
A couple of singles and the odd bye later, two runs separated two teams. The support from the boundary was phenomenal, but in the end, the pressure proved too much for both players, whose styles became unnaturally defensive.
Eventually it was Ruari who fell. In a scene reminiscent of Maximus Aurelius’ final confrontation with Commodus, he edged to slip, the battle was lost and we all went to the pub – a fitting end to a truly awesome day.
A lost toss made no difference to the order of play, as Calypso CC opted to bat and made steady progress during the opening session. Hamilton opened the bowling from the Toilet end but struggled to keep things regular, bowling without any solid form and missing the target completely on several occasions.
Down at the Lido end, Husbands kept the 49ers out of deep water, bowling a consistent line and length and leaving Calypso's openers very little to play with. This, combined with an excellent display in the field from an army of debutants, meant that boundaries were scarce and the 49ers very much afloat.
Hamilton relieved himself at the toilet end, opting to unleash Ian Tonkinson instead. Straightaway Ian caused a stink in Calypso's top order, bowling with pace, accuracy and, at times, real venom. He was desperately unlucky to not take a wicket, squirting past the edge several times and pushing hard for the breakthrough.
Back at the Lido end, things were still going swimmingly for Husbands, though before long he too had to be replaced - making way for Adam Taylor, who immediately dived into the attack with a fluid combination of line and length.
Not long after the drinks break, Calypso's opening batsman retired tired - a credit to the constant pressure he faced on the field and the 49ers' thirst for a wicket.
The first real breakthrough came just a few minutes later, when James Smart took a neat catch at short mid wicket from the bowling of Hamilton, who was looking much tidier in his second spell.
Suddenly things started going the 49ers way, with wickets falling quickly and cheaply. Tom Partridge glided in from mid on to take a fine catch from a flighted delivery by Ruari Dowdney, who was bowling consistently straight medium pace, and making a real splash at the Lido end.
And then came the best spell of the day. An unforgettable piece of bowling from Micky Fish, who battered Calypso's middle order - netting three wickets in as many overs.
Calypso had lost their rhyhthm, and simply couldn't find the runs as the wickets continued to tumble. Heath had Hampstead in raptures with his first delivery - a viscious full toss that bamboozled Calypso's number six and took out his middle stump.
A wicket too for Evans, who got his fill from an excellent catch at long on. And finally, a little magic from stumpy, who secured a run out from short mid wicket.
After a 34 over session, in which the 49ers showed real determination in the field, Calypso CC were unsteady on 155 for 8. And following a half hour lunch break, both teams were hungry to resume.
1st up for the 49ers were Le Tonk and Stumpy - and while Calypso's steel drums were decidedly quiet, our openers showed their mettle and survived the first few overs easily.
Soon enough though, Ian was unlucky to be given out LBW by Micky Fish. Smelling something rotten, Le Tonk gestured to his bat, indicating the ball had in fact caught an edge before thudding the pad. But the Fish was having none of it - Ian was gone.
And so began the Adam Taylor show – an innings that gave us almost everything but singles. There were fours, sixes, lost balls and dropped catches. In what seemed like hardly any time at all, Adam had reached 50 and gracefully made way for the captain.
All the while, Stumpy had been nibbling away at Calypso’s total in the bravest - and ironically the second biggest innings of the day. He was eventually bowled on the off stump for 26 and was greeted at the boundary by rapturous applause.
Hamilton made a quick 22, Husbands a resilient 10 and Heath a stylish 16 before Dowdney came in to surely finish things off. But no.
Sadly the 49ers tail quacked rather than wagged, as four consecutive wickets fell for no runs. Our retired messiah came back onto the pitch with six runs needed for victory. The atmosphere was electric and the pressure unquantifiable for the two 49ers on the square.
A couple of singles and the odd bye later, two runs separated two teams. The support from the boundary was phenomenal, but in the end, the pressure proved too much for both players, whose styles became unnaturally defensive.
Eventually it was Ruari who fell. In a scene reminiscent of Maximus Aurelius’ final confrontation with Commodus, he edged to slip, the battle was lost and we all went to the pub – a fitting end to a truly awesome day.
Monday 11 May 2009
Benaud rages at Tonk's LBW call
Richie Benaud's seen your decision against me Ian, and he's pretty unequivical about it.
Sunday 10 May 2009
Brockwell 49ers International Correspondent reports
News has reached Scotland this evening that Brockwell 49ers star Gordon 'The Platform' Cherrington has been sensationally accused of cheating following the team's opening match. An unnamed source reported his disgust at the 49ers "parking the mini" during the match, which saw Cherrington score 26 runs in more than 20 overs at the crease. Standing at 2ft3, Cherrington used his stature to full effect during his obdurate 2 hour innings by completely smothering the stumps and offering the full face of a bat twice his size. No word yet from the 49ers camp on whether they will continue to use 'The Platform' at the top of the innings but sources close to the vice-captain suggest he was "ridiculously smug about his overall performance" despite Brockwell's two-run defeat. All eyes will surely be on game #2 later this month.
Friday 8 May 2009
Thursday 7 May 2009
Bring back the bitches!
We want the bikini clad bitches back on our wall! Whats all this 'girlfriends' making you take it down? Did she give you a chinese burn and torture you into doing it? Did she threaten by not cooking for you? Get some balls man! Cricket and women don't match, so buck up and get the pictures back on there!
That Guardian lot sure know comedy genius when they see it...
The light has been offered - and the West Indies are off. That's a shame, just as we were getting going. They are going to take tea now, but at least that gives me time to ... well ... "No more puns, eh. So that's sautéd," honks Huw Griffiths. "I think the problem with Onions is that he has no heart," chuckles Graham Henry. "Can we please stop with the Onions puns? We must have used allium by now," parps Chris Little. Right, that's enough of that. Thanks to everyone for your juicy 'punions' (c/o Ed Hamilton) - you're all as bad as each other. Be sure to join Andy 'Sandleman' Bull after the break.
Wednesday 6 May 2009
Lambeth nets
They're in that big empty bit behind St Thomas' Hospital. If I remember correctly, you walk down Hercules rd from Lambeth North tube and go through a tunnel on your right.
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This shit's going global!
Congratulations to Gordon for getting the following onto the Guardian OBO site. He wins a foot rub from a Brixton crackhead of my choosing, who I will pay generously for his/her services.
30th over: England 88-1 (Cook 34 Bopara 29) Brendan Nash starts things off after lunch with his swinging trundlers. Cook dishes out five dots, then pulls hard for another. A maiden. "My captain has offered up a free foot massage (I know, I'm a bit weirded out by the offer as well!), to the first of us to get a mention of the Brockwell 49ers up on OBO so I'm asking you, in a non-begging sort of way, to please give us a mention and wish us the best of luck," writes Gordon 'Stumpy' Cherrington VC (w), beating team-mate Tom 'The Northern Fist' Partridge by a matter of seconds. Enjoy the skippers' foot rub.
30th over: England 88-1 (Cook 34 Bopara 29) Brendan Nash starts things off after lunch with his swinging trundlers. Cook dishes out five dots, then pulls hard for another. A maiden. "My captain has offered up a free foot massage (I know, I'm a bit weirded out by the offer as well!), to the first of us to get a mention of the Brockwell 49ers up on OBO so I'm asking you, in a non-begging sort of way, to please give us a mention and wish us the best of luck," writes Gordon 'Stumpy' Cherrington VC (w), beating team-mate Tom 'The Northern Fist' Partridge by a matter of seconds. Enjoy the skippers' foot rub.
Provisional 49ers Batting Order released
Subject to changes following the final training session, the Brockwell 49ers batting order for the opening game will be as follows.
We'll also try and make sure that everyone who wants to bowl will be able to.
1. Ian Tonkinson
2. Gordon Cherrington (w)
3. Adam Taylor
4. Ed Hamilton
5. Nick Heath
6. Tom Partridge
7. James Smart
8. Ruari Bennet
9. Mike Stainthorpe
10. Tom Husbands
11. Phil Evans
12th man: Martin Edwards
I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty fucking excited about Sunday!
We'll also try and make sure that everyone who wants to bowl will be able to.
1. Ian Tonkinson
2. Gordon Cherrington (w)
3. Adam Taylor
4. Ed Hamilton
5. Nick Heath
6. Tom Partridge
7. James Smart
8. Ruari Bennet
9. Mike Stainthorpe
10. Tom Husbands
11. Phil Evans
12th man: Martin Edwards
I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty fucking excited about Sunday!
Tuesday 5 May 2009
Hamilton: “Get back to work, Stumpy!”
In his most revealing interview do date, Edward Hammy Hamilton has said the time has come for everybody to get on with the job in hand and forget about petty differences in the team. He said it was particularly important that stumpy “Grew up”, though it is unclear whether this was simply a reference to the wicket keepers height of just 3 foot two inches. He also expressed concern that either he or Cherrington could be sacked from their day jobs for spending countless hours writing rubbish when they should be working.
Team unity called for by dropped VC
With only four days to go before the Brockwell 49ers begin their season, the furore surrounding ‘stumpy-gate’ has seemingly thrown the team into disarray.
This blog has learned there has been unrest in the squad camp for some time now with some players feeling that ‘Hammy’ Hamilton has been throwing his, ever increasing, weight around a bit too much and is, in the words of one key player “just a big eating machine who shouts at us all and makes us feel like we’re worthless”.
James Smart went on to say “I’ve always liked Stumpy more and, if I’m being honest, none of the guys feel very comfortable with Hammy around…especially when we’re changing.”
Tom ‘Fisting Fury’ Partridge continued, saying ‘Hammy always wants to put my box in for me…is always asking if he want a rub down at the end of training. He makes me feel dirty and I often have to scrub myself clean. I usually get Phil to help with the bits I can’t reach, but at least I don’t have the stench of Hammy on me anymore. Just the sweet smell of Phi…’
Unconfirmed reports from the team camp suggest that Vice Captain Cherrington has been dropped after questioning Hammy's team ball tampering. When asked for a response to the reports of the player unrest and his own confrontation with Hammy, Stumpy Cherrington said;
“Look, I’ve always like Hammy. So he gets a bit fresh with the guys in training, and yeah, maybe we have all caught him smelling the boxes from the kit back. But you know what, he’s a great guy and it’s nice for the rest of the squad to know that their Captain hasn’t been picked for his ability with either the bat or the ball, but more because he has quite a lot of kit and we don’t have any other pads”
“I’m willing to extend an olive branch to Hammy and let bygones be bygones…I really want to be the bigger man in all of this, but to be honest, I don’t think there’s enough time for me to eat that much before Sunday. I know that we can work together and I just hope he sees that he’s made a mistake and we can get this team back on track. If he can just keep his hands on his own balls and stop trying to touch everyone else’s, I think we’ve got a real chance of winning this tournament and taking a great team to France at the end of the season.”
This blog has learned there has been unrest in the squad camp for some time now with some players feeling that ‘Hammy’ Hamilton has been throwing his, ever increasing, weight around a bit too much and is, in the words of one key player “just a big eating machine who shouts at us all and makes us feel like we’re worthless”.
James Smart went on to say “I’ve always liked Stumpy more and, if I’m being honest, none of the guys feel very comfortable with Hammy around…especially when we’re changing.”
Tom ‘Fisting Fury’ Partridge continued, saying ‘Hammy always wants to put my box in for me…is always asking if he want a rub down at the end of training. He makes me feel dirty and I often have to scrub myself clean. I usually get Phil to help with the bits I can’t reach, but at least I don’t have the stench of Hammy on me anymore. Just the sweet smell of Phi…’
Unconfirmed reports from the team camp suggest that Vice Captain Cherrington has been dropped after questioning Hammy's team ball tampering. When asked for a response to the reports of the player unrest and his own confrontation with Hammy, Stumpy Cherrington said;
“Look, I’ve always like Hammy. So he gets a bit fresh with the guys in training, and yeah, maybe we have all caught him smelling the boxes from the kit back. But you know what, he’s a great guy and it’s nice for the rest of the squad to know that their Captain hasn’t been picked for his ability with either the bat or the ball, but more because he has quite a lot of kit and we don’t have any other pads”
“I’m willing to extend an olive branch to Hammy and let bygones be bygones…I really want to be the bigger man in all of this, but to be honest, I don’t think there’s enough time for me to eat that much before Sunday. I know that we can work together and I just hope he sees that he’s made a mistake and we can get this team back on track. If he can just keep his hands on his own balls and stop trying to touch everyone else’s, I think we’ve got a real chance of winning this tournament and taking a great team to France at the end of the season.”
"Bully" Cherrington dropped in slander scandal
Gordon "Stumpy" Cherrington has been dropped ahead of the Brockwell 49ers opening game. The vice captain was suspended indefinitely after making "upsetting" remarks about his better-looking, wittier and much, much cooler captain, Ed Hamilton.
On hearing the news, Stumpy called an immediate press conference where he went on to describe Hamilton as a "jumped up wee prick who cannae play for shite."
Mr Hamilton retaliated straightaway by stating "I know he's only little, but resorting to playground bullying is not what the Brockwell 49ers want from their vice captain."
In a seperate incident, Phil "White Chocolate" Evans was photographed coming out of a massage parlour at 3am with teammate Tom Partridge. Evans reacted calmly, saying "We just had a few drinks and fancied rounding off the evening with some kebabs."
On hearing the news, Stumpy called an immediate press conference where he went on to describe Hamilton as a "jumped up wee prick who cannae play for shite."
Mr Hamilton retaliated straightaway by stating "I know he's only little, but resorting to playground bullying is not what the Brockwell 49ers want from their vice captain."
In a seperate incident, Phil "White Chocolate" Evans was photographed coming out of a massage parlour at 3am with teammate Tom Partridge. Evans reacted calmly, saying "We just had a few drinks and fancied rounding off the evening with some kebabs."
Fact-O-Rama
Disney's "The Never Ending Story" sparked 28 lawsuits from customers who were furious that the movie had an end.
Is it Like Riding a Bike?
I can confirm it is now 3265 days since I last picked up a bat in anger and tried to smash the proverbial out of a cricket ball.
Those 8 runs I scored for Monmouth School under 14 B team against Hereford Cathedral batty boys proved to be my last. However, I am confident that it is very likely that will have no problems knocking a swift and unbeaten 50.
Does this make me the least experienced player in the squad? Surely not.
Those 8 runs I scored for Monmouth School under 14 B team against Hereford Cathedral batty boys proved to be my last. However, I am confident that it is very likely that will have no problems knocking a swift and unbeaten 50.
Does this make me the least experienced player in the squad? Surely not.
Friday 1 May 2009
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