Episode II

A new hope?

With Captain Ed ‘Hammy’ Hamilton no longer able to take the helm of the good ship Bromance, the men of the Brockwell 49ers longed for a new leader to carry them forward into battle … a new warrior who could lead them in their fight against the evil opposition … a true hero who would give them the belief that they could win a game … someone who would lead from the front, take the battle to the opposition and allow their children, in years to come to say ‘this … this was their finest hour’ …

Sadly, they got Stumpy.

And so it was, with a pretty shitty hangover, a twinge of guilt about his behaviour the night before and a glimmer of hope in his heart, that the newly appointed Captain of the 49ers arrived at Hampstead to welcome his band of cricketing brothers. And what a band they are … Adonis like figures …men in their prime … hunter gatherers at their most ferocious … each and everyone a Spartan warrior ready to lay down their life for their team mates.

The captains were called to the middle at 11:59am and immediately the 49ers stamped their authority on the day by winning the toss, choosing to put the opposition in to bat first.

The opening batsmen of John Minshull Invitation XI strode confidently to the middle whilst the 49ers, with a couple of new faces in the side, huddled close and discussed the tactics for the day.

‘Lets beat them’ … ‘try to catch it’… ‘god I feel alive right now’ … ‘everyone knows the LBW rule right?’ … ‘is someone wearing Sex Panther’ … to have been a part of that man huddle, to have heard the words of wisdom and encouragement pouring from each and every member of the team would have surely have sent shivers down the back of even the most seasoned batsmen. The 49ers, as they say on Test Match Special, were sounding like 'the shit'

Opening the bowling for the 49ers was the trusted Monmouth Old Boys pairing of Hamilton and Husbands. Both looked ready for action, a fire burning behind their calm exteriors.

‘Hammy’, freed from the pressure of the captaincy, stormed in from the Lido end, peppering the opposition with his red hot balls. They didn’t know what to do ... didn’t know how to play him ... couldn’t work out if his haircut was part of a paedo dare or if he was seriously growing it to look 'cool'

Dot ball after dot ball was hurled down at their wickets before Hammy, sweaty and exhausted after bowling his over, stepped aside to let his fellow Monmouth man take to the stage.

Husbands, bowling from the toilet end, was unlucky not to nick a couple of early wickets. His sweet, manly arms unleashing a bombardment of yorkers, in-swingers, out-swingers, googly off breaking biffin ticklers … yet he just couldn’t find the breakthrough that was needed and Minshull were starting to nick a few boundaries.

As Hamilton and Husbands worked tirelessly with the ball, our Captain and VC discussed the importance of defending Irkutsk when playing Risk, whilst also thinking about how on earth they were going to break this opening partnership.

The VC, playing outstandingly at wicketkeeper, suggested that perhaps it was time to bring on Adam Taylor from the Toilet End. The Captain, unsure of what was going on, decided this was an excellent idea and so did what the VC said.

With Hamilton continuing to bowl superbly (figures of six overs, one maiden, 21 runs and one wicket), Taylor was brought on to add a bit of pace to the attack and try to take that illusive first wicked.

And then it came … the sweet cry that all cricketers (apart from batsmen), want to hear … HOWZAT!!!

Yes, the 49ers had succeeded. Hamilton’s bowling had forced the error and the first wicked of the day fell. A break through … a notch on the bedpost of our bowlers … a run out. BOOM! Surely it was only a matter of time before the rest came tumbling down?

Our secret weapon for the day, Chris Mounsey Thear, was brought on to the attack and immediately it was clear for all to see that this bloke knew what he was doing. His pace, his length, his line and most importantly, his chat were all outstanding and he quickly stamped his authority on the game by clean bowling one of the openers. The taste of blood was in the air.

Annoyingly no-one seemed to tell the other opener this who, although retiring on 50, came back on later in the day to smack 62. A great effort and one that we begrudgingly accept with grace. Cock.

And so to drinks.

With two wickets down and the score approaching 100 there was a general feeling at base camp that things weren’t all that bad. Sure, they’d got a few runs on the board but how many of those were fluky edges that would normally have been caught? A lot of them reader ... a lot.

The opposition were nothing to the 49ers … just a bunch of lads with bad taste in sunglasses. We could take them and take them we would. Sadly though, not for some time …

Something needed to change. The Captain knew this. He just wasn’t exactly sure what it was.

After speaking to the VC he had a better idea in his mind and decided to call up a regular ‘net’ 49er who was making his full debut. Martin ‘Tino’ Edwards.

Tino, who is just under 8’ tall and from a place called Newcastle, steamed in to bowl his first ball. Watching him at slip, the Captain was reminded of a slow motion montage he once saw of the Incredible Hulk running through wet cement … Tino’s unorthodox, un-coordinated running style confusing everyone, including himself.

But then a thing of a beauty … releasing the ball from his gargantum hands, Tino found the sweet spot and took the stump clean from the ground. First blood to our very own Andre the Giant.

Next up to sample success was James Smart. Sharing a running style to that of Tino and trying out his spin for the first time, the Captain felt that some words of encouragement were needed. Sidling up to James, the skip whispered ‘take a wicket’ into his ear … it’s that kind of motivation that wins wars.

First ball - James ‘ran’ in, flicked his wrist, pitched the ball high and bamboozled the batsmen with the ball of the century. It whipped back in to the batsmen’s leg stump, he swung, connected and put it straight into James’s hands. A beautiful piece of bowling, a wonderful moment for James and a flash of hope for the 49ers.

Sadly that was the only ‘ball of the century’ and James went on to get spanked for 38 in two overs.

With heads dropping in the field, the captain knew that something special was needed. Someone needed to step up to the mark and lead by example. Cue The Northern Fist.

Tom 'TNS' Partridge, another unorthodox but highly effective bowler, proved his worth, taking 2 wickets in his four overs and only getting hit for 19.

‘Impressive’ is not a big enough word to describe his effort, so I will describe if as ‘reallyreallyimpressive’.... and more was to come from Tom, for he was to have the champagne moment of the game.

With the a few wickets still remaining, the Captain felt it was time that aside from shouting words of encouragement, he needed to get in to the trenches with his men and prove to them that he too was willing to go over the top.

Bowling at a medium pace, the Captain was looking pretty good … which isn’t that unusual to be honest … his line and length stuck true to his family motto ‘Lineus and Lengthus’.

Throwing in one of his specialist medium pace rim ticklers, the batsmen ad no answer fo the captains teaser, smacking it high in the air.

‘Tonks ball' shouted our wicketkeeper … ‘Tom’s ball’ was what Tom heard.

The team watched in eager anticipation as both Tom and Ian, eyes firmly fixed on the ball, ran at full pace straight towards one another.

Tom was taken out … Tonk was dry humping him … Tom was shaking ... was he dead … would we stop laughing … did he have the ball???

Damn right he did. Complete and utter commitment shown to the team. Tom … we salute you.

Finishing of the innings by whipping out the leg stump of the tailender, the 49ers Captain,

led his team back to the pavilion to re-group.

Minshull had posted 241.

After a healthy lunch of fags and crisps, the 49ers looked to chase down the rather daunting target.

Out first, as ever, was the Captain and VC. Striding out to the middle, both were feeling in good shape having proven themselves rather handy with the bat in the first match.

A few minutes later, the Captain strode back after spanking the ball around for a massive total of 2. He felt like a bit of a penis. Consoled by The Northern Fist's manly touch, he quickly pulled himself out of his dark hole of despair, and rallied the remaining troops of the 49ers.

Taylor was up next. There were high hopes for young Adam. He was a proven player, retired on 50 in our last game and there was a feeling that with him and Tonkinson in the middle, the 49ers might just be able to chase the 241 posted by the opposition. Sadly, James was umpiring.

Many of you may have seen anger at some point in your life … but this was something else.

Giving Adam out LBW is something that I doubt any of us will ever consider doing. Apparently it was going down leg-side. I don’t know what this means but I’m pretty sure it means that you can’t be out...

Adam was …

for 3 …

he was angry …

‘Way to implode your fucking team’ was one of the more coherent mutterings that was heard as he strode, like a man possessed by Buckfast and Jellys who’d just been told there was no-more deep fried pizza’s left in the whole of Aberdeen, back to his team mates.

Smacking his gloves at the Captain’s crotch, and with the rest of the team trying not to see the funny side, Adam slumped down in his new chair to brood about the shocking decision. Sadly, Chris had just broken his chair a few moments before ... a golden comedy nugget!

As Adam nipped off to the bathroom to smash his fists into the mirror, Hammy bounced out to the middle to join Ian who was clocking up the runs nicely.

Sensing that there was a bit of an issue with our umpires, our Captain decided he had better get out there and make sure that no other shocking umpiring decisions were made.

Hammy and Ian continued to notch up the runs before Hammy … and it was plum before he start bitching about it … was also given out LBW for 12.

Next out to the middle was Chris who showed us all up and played an absolutely blinding innings, eventually finishing the day on 56. His technique was elegant … his shot selection sublime … and his arse slapping made him an instant favourite with many of the boys on the team. He is welcome back anytime and we hope to have him on board again soon.

Whilst Chris was playing magnificently, and allowing the 49ers to keep some sort of a shred of dignity, our other players stepped out to the middle to see if they could drag us closer to Minshull’s total which was creeping ever further from our grasp.

Husbands and Smart played impressively … amassing a huge 10 runs between them, before Tom made his way to the middle hoping to build on his duck from the last game. Tom, a double-duck is nothing to be ashamed of. Next time big guy … next time.

Tino was out for a duck but, so I am told by Tino, it is only the ‘true professionals who can get out to an edge like that’. Joe O’Connor, another new string to our pretty shit bow, managed to hit 1 run (surpassing many of our players), and Phil ‘White Chocolate’ Evans was 0 not out. Raising his average to 0 but living on the glory that he was ‘not out’.

And so it was that the 49ers were beaten by 90 runs. But so what … sure, we got beaten again … sure, Adam went a little bit mental for a few minutes … sure, as a team we’ve had got more ducks than the Serpentine … but we have fun goddamn it ... and we’re going to get a win. By god we are.

John Minshull Invitational XI Innings - Close

Cerillo b Thear 12

Thompson caught b Husbands 62

Court run out Hamilton 14

Smith not out 51

Kaczmarski c & b Smart 1

Ross b Edwards 2

Brazier c Partridge b Cherrington 32

McDonald c & b Partridge 15

Lewis not out 21

Ashield c Thear b Partridge 5

Craig b Cherrington 0

TOTAL 241

Bowler o m r w

Hamilton 6 1 21 1

Husbands 6 0 52 1

Thear 3 1 13 1

Taylor 5 0 50 0

Edwards 5 0 32 1

Smart 2 0 38 1

Partridge 4 0 19 2

Cherrington 4 0 17 2

Brockwell 49ers Innings - Close

Runs

Tonkinson b 29

Cherrington c 2

Taylor LBW 3

Hamilton LBW 12

Thear c 56

Husbands c 3

Partridge c 0

Smart c 7

Edwards c 0

Evans Not Out 0

O'Connor Run Out 1

TOTAL 151