Here's a question for you, how does Sir Alex Ferguson continue to keep Manchester United at the top of the Premier League year in and year out? "Simple", so the self-confessed Jaffaholic professed late Sunday night to local newspapers.
It seems that Alex Ferguson gets his inspiration from food. "It can be any kind of food. Mostly I see players faces in my cereal, sometimes the players names are spelt out for me in my Alphaspaghetti. It was a pork chop that told me that selling Ronaldo to Real Madrid would be ok and that we didn't need him any more. I don't eat pork any more" Sir Alex Ferguson revealed.
It seems that these visions have been happening for a few years now Sir Alex Ferguson says. "It was my chewing gum that told me to put on Ole Gunnar Solskjaer in the European Cup final, and I'll be blown if it wasn't right" he exclaimed. "I had totally given up hope and spat out my gum in disgust with the teams performance, the way it landed it looked just like the Ole. I put him on and the rest is history."
What's been baffling Sir Alex Ferguson lately however is that his visions have been of a player not on his books. It seems that Sir Alex Ferguson's Jaffa cakes have fed him a bit of a mystery. He explaines "normally I find the best players when I'm least expecting it, and this is no exception. I didn't even know who this guy was!"
In an almost biblical style, it seems that Sir Alex Ferguson had been told who his next superstar would be. "I was eating my usual handful of Jaffa cakes when I noticed something quite sinister and positively queer about the Jaffa I'd just taken a bite from. I saw a face in the chocolate that I didn't recognise" Sir Alex Ferguson claimed, and with his success in fielding his 'food players' he set about finding out who this mystery face was.
After posting photos of the Jaffa cake online and in local news agents Sir Alex Ferguson finally got his answer, but not quite the answer he was hoping for. It turns out that the face on the Jaffa was a cricketer, and not a footballer at all.
It transpires that the face in question is that of James Smart, better known as 'Dave' to his team-mates of the now infamous Brockwell 49ers. James Smart is a middle-to-late order batsman and spin bowler supreme for this team of no-hopers, bums and dreamers. "It seems their only success was organising a trip to France" Sir Alex Ferguson says jovially. Immediately jumping to the 49ers defence, Brockwell 49ers captain Gordon Cherrington (Stumpy to his friends, and ladies) blasted Sir Alex Ferguson's claim and said "He may be a fellow Scot, but he can fuck right off with his shit. We won a T20 match against Calypso CC earlier in the season so he's well off the mark". Ed Hamilton, Gordon's 'very close' team mate and batty partner backed Gordon up with a deep resounding "yeah", followed by "Sir Alex Ferguson can suck my cock!" after which he hugged the whimpering and quite visibly upset Gordon.
Despite James' face appearing in cake it seems that after finding him, Sir Alex Ferguson will not be trying him out at Manchester United. "I can't afford to risk it" he said. He knows, through talking to fellow Brockwell 49ers, that James is not someone who backs down from a challenge, but "this is not chewing and swallowing six fish-sticks to impress your mates, this is the big-time, there's too much to play for". "It breaks my heart because it's the first time I'm not following the advice from my food, but since Ronaldo's departure and us playing like dingleberries it's just not something I can do. I guess the pork chop taught me a valuable lesson" Sir Alex Ferguson says with disappointment written all over his face.
Since dropping the 'dream' and realising that he's only human, Sir Alex Ferguson has tried to sell the Smart Jaffa cake to raise personal funds for a new title, but it seems it will now be worth nothing. Since picking up on the story online, McVities have seized the opportunity and have contacted James Smart and the Brockwell 49ers and have begun negotiations with a view to making a special edition Jaffa cake, 'The Brockwell 49er Jaffa'. For this special edition McVities plan to make boxes of 19, rather than the usual 12, and have the faces of each and every one of the 49ers on them, coupled with stats hidden in the middle. John 'le francais' McBurnie was apparently annoyed as "ye cannae get cunting Jaffas in France!". A special Phil 'white Chocolate' Evans Jaffa is to be made with a white chocolate layer, and as official Brockwell 49er photographer has been tasked with providing the snaps while Nick 'No6' Heath is busy making up stats and facts.
Graeme Elliot, self-assumed spokesman for the 49ers exclaimed his delight at being "immortalised" in food. It's an amazing tale, a true underdog story of no-hopers to riches." "To add to all of this I had an email from Disney this morning about making a film and animating the story based on a leaked viral that the boys have made. They have asked us to tone down the swearing so I told them to fuck off and we're now talking to Adam 'the suicide chat-up artist' Brichto, about getting Brickwall films involved". "In retrospect it would have been worth filming our tour to France last month, because as it happens we've got no fucking ideas for material, nor a script" said Adam. "That's hind sight for you, it's always 20:20" uttered Tom 'the cunt' Young. At this point a minor scuffle broke out while Ian 'le tonk' Tonkinson just stood there watching, grinning and stroking his beard. It was time for this reporter to leave the story right there.
An intriguing tale of Jaffa cakes, football managers, biblical visions, cricketers and animated films, who'd have seen it coming the 49ers way? No one.
I left the last word to Tom 'the northern fist (TNS)' Partridge who summed the whole thing up beautifully... "brrrrrrrp"
