In the wilderness

Come on gents, can someone give us international squad players an update as to the team's recent progress at the crease - stumpy, do you have a match report? Were there laps of honour following a first victory? 5-wicket hauls for Jimmy Smart? Or has team morale slipped to an all time low? Did your sordid romancing of Shoaib Akhtar get much of a mention around the dressing room?